Half Empty
by pins
Summary: rape, abuse, love, hate, self harm. at the beginning of their sixth year at hogwarts, Remus is just starting to realize how he likes sirius when he is raped. how will sirius take it when he finds out, or will remus never tell him? chapter 14 up
1. a beginning

i've added more spaces and gaps this time so hopefully its a bit easier to read now. reveiw and tell me if it isn't. Thanks to all my reveiwers so far, the feedback's been really helpful.

disclaimer: they're not mine. even my polos were found underneath a dusty armchair. please dont sue me :)

Remus stared down at the scribbled note in his hands. The noise of the great hall seemed to grow faint around him and a loud rushing filled his ears. So, it had finally happened. He had dreaded it for years, had had nightmares about it. But then Sirius, or James, or even Peter-he was sometimes loud enough in his sleep yelling that he could wake Peter, the heaviest sleeper in their dorm-would shake him awake and tell him it was fine, nobody knew, and tomorrow they would all be down at the shrieking shack and everything would be fine. But this time, there was nothing any of them could do. "Remus?" Remus felt a hand on his arm as Sirius leant across Peter to talk to him. "What was that all about? You look like you've just seen a ghost!"  
  
"I have," answered Remus, stuffing the note into his pocket, "Look, Nearly Headless Nick's right there!"  
  
"Haha." Said Sirius dryly, taking a bite out of his toast, "I saw what you looked like when you read that note. What it say?"  
  
"Note?" asked Peter "looking up from his bowl of porridge and the Daily Prophets crossword "You get a note Moony?"  
  
"Um, yeah," muttered Remus, turning away and reaching over to the pumpkin juice and pouring it into his already half full glass "but it was nothing, just something to do with charms homework." Sirius raised an eyebrow in disbelief but Peter accepted the rather lame excuse and returned to his crossword. Sighing, Remus decided to ignore Sirius and return to his breakfast. Lessons started in 20 minutes and he'd just remembered that he'd left his charms homework in the dorms.  
  
"So what'd it really say?" Remus jumped as Sirius came up behind him, and then returned to searching his trunk for the missing homework.  
  
"I told you, it was nothing. Now would you please leave me alone to find my charms homework or would you like to make yourself useful and help me?"  
  
"It's right here," said Sirius lazily, picking up a sheet of parchment that was partially hidden beneath a pile of pyjamas "And I don't believe you, you know. I can tell when you're lying Moony and you're lying now. So are you going to tell me or not?"  
  
"Not." Said Remus as he straightened up and tried to grab his homework from Sirius' taunting fingers. Sirius was almost a head taller than him and he was holding the parchment carelessly above his head, letting it wave back and forth in the October breeze coming in through the window.  
  
"Wrong answer" he said and promptly pocketed the parchment and walked out of the dormitory.  
  
Remus sighed and picked up his bag. He really wasn't in the mood to play games with Sirius. It was the full moon tomorrow and the note that he had received this morning felt heavy in his pocket. He took it out again as he walked through the door onto the spiral staircase that led to the common room.  
  
I know your secret. Meet me in room 30 on the 3rd floor, tonight at 10. And don't forget, I KNOW.  
  
It was an amateur threat, lots of people had secrets and this could just be a misdirected note, meant as a joke for someone else. But still, he couldn't take that chance. What if when he woke up tomorrow morning, no one would look him in the eye. People would avoid him. They would write home telling parents, they in turn would write to the headmaster-he could be expelled! I could tell James and Sirius, he thought. No, he thought just as quickly. I'm tired of them fighting my battles for me. They get into enough trouble as it is without me presenting an excuse for complicated tricks and revenges. No. The best thing would be to go and talk with the person. If he could get them to see that it would be best for everyone, especially himself, if his secret was kept a secret, then maybe he could forget about it. He could tell James and Sirius tomorrow, before they went to the shrieking shack, and by the time they came back to school, exhausted, everyone would have forgotten about it. Yes, that would be best. He was sure he could sort this out himself.  
  
Remus had been feeling sick all day. Something had been tightening in his stomach making it impossible for him to eat, and this combined with his pre- full-moon tiredness and his current mental anguish was enough to make him skip supper, much to the consternation of his friends, and retire to the dorms for a rest before going out for his mysterious rendezvous. However, all it had really done was give him more time to torment himself with possible endings to his schooling, his life as a social human being and the beginning of his nomad life, living in forests and eating raw meat. By the time 10 o'clock came, Remus was glad to get out of his bed of misery and walk down to the third floor.  
  
James was doing Quidditch practise and Peter had gone to watch him. Sirius, who was an amazing artist, had no doubt gone along to draw the players in flight. They had all called in earlier to see if he was alright, but he had feigned sleep and ignored their whispered concerns.  
  
Now, he was standing nervously outside room 30, shifting his weight from foot to foot and glancing along the hallway to make sure no teachers were coming. At ten past ten, he knocked on the door and was surprised to hear a girl's voice answer. Awkwardly, he stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. He was shocked to find the room filled with candles, floating like in the great hall. At the centre of the room, seated with their back to him and bathed in flickering light, was a cloaked figure.  
  
"I've been waiting for you" they said, and stood up, turning around and taking down their hood. It would have been a magical moment if the face beneath the hood hadn't looked like a slightly feminised version of a 6 ft Rugby player. Remus tried to hide his shock and confusion by talking  
  
"Oh, hi Branwen. Um, yeah. Well, here I am. I wanted to discuss the note that you sent me this morning. It was, uh, well more than slightly disturbing and I wanted to discuss the merits of not telling anyone—"He was cut off when the girl took a step towards him, forcing him to back away.  
  
"It's ok." She said softly. Her voice had a welsh lilt to it and her breath smelt of cigarettes. "I won't tell anyone. Not a single soul."  
  
Remus let out a sigh and an awkward smile, took another step backwards and found himself up against a wall.  
  
"Well, um, that's very nice of you." He let out a small cough, "And I really must go now, it's late, way past curfew.."  
  
Branwen put an arm out, her hand a few inches from the side of his head, blocking his attempt to shuffle sideways towards the door.  
  
"Not so fast," she smiled, "I won't tell anyone," she put another arm out on the other side of his head "if you do something for me. It's something I've wanted for a very long time" She leant forward and her hair swung down, brushing her school robes and hanging lankly by the side of her face, which was mere centimetres away from Remus'.  
  
"Um, yeah, sure." Said Remus, dying to get away from the uncomfortable situation and return to his bed. He had a splitting headache and he was starving. Maybe he could pop into the kitchen on the way to the Gryffindor tower.  
  
"Anything?" Branwen breathed.  
  
"Anything" muttered Remus, glancing towards the door. "As long as it's quick. I really have to get back to my dorms" remembering the excuse he had used this morning, he added, "I haven't done my charms homework"  
  
Branwen raised an eyebrow and smirked, reminding Remus uncomfortably of Sirius. He would be in the dormitories by now, wondering where Remus was. Remus wondered how quick he could make this so he could return to his bed and pretend he'd been in the kitchens the whole time. His thoughts were interrupted when Branwen lifted her arms and straightened.  
  
"Don't worry. It will be very quick." Then she lunged for his trousers.  
  
"Wait!" screamed Remus trying to push the giant girl off him "Wait, I didn't mean this!" He could feel her large, sausage like fingers fiddling with his zipper and again he strained at her shoulders. "Get off me!" The zipper came undone and his trousers and boxers were tugged to the floor.  
  
"You did say anything," said Branwen from her knees as Remus backed away, covering himself, his trousers pooled around his ankles. "And I want you!" Again she lunged, this time for his ankles and Remus fell to the floor with a thud that reverberated up his spine. Pushing him to the floor, she loomed over Remus, sitting on his legs, her hands pinning his arms above him, and enveloped his feeble calls for help with her mouth. My first kiss, though Remus dully as the probing tongue forced it's way into his mouth. My first kiss and it's here, on the floor of an empty classroom, with a girl I barely know.

A voice at the back of his head was screaming and he was finding it hard to breath. His arms were no longer pinned above him but the fact that her could push and tug and scratch seemed to make little difference. Branwen was 6ft and Remus was 5 ft something.

Branwen's hands had gone further down his body, and were stroking and touching and feeling. Suddenly he could breath again but that meant that her mouth was involved as well and oh it was horrible and wet and his treacherous body was responding in the way it was supposed to. He could feel his erection pressing hard into her stomach as she came up for another breath crushing kiss and he hated himself. Hated himself for reacting to this girl's touch.

He didn't even notice when she got off him, and pulled off her skirt and knickers, flinging them to one side. Then she was looming above him, a knee on either side of his hips and suddenly she was down and he was in her and she was on him and she was riding him-yes, that was the word-up and down, up and down, and he was responding, he couldn't help it, his hips were rocking, his ass was lifting up from the floor and then pressing back down onto the cold tiles. And he was, he was, oh, oh, oh, oh. He cried as he came, hot tears mingling with the cooling sweat on his face. Branwen paused for a second, panting and then got up, put her clothes back on and walked towards the door.

"Don't go running crying to any of your little friends" She sneered as she reached it, her hand on the knob, "And don't forget, I know"

She was out the door and it slammed behind her. The candles went out in the sudden gust of wind and Remus was left to find his clothes in the dark.


	2. would you rather?

Remus stood with his arms up, welcoming the scalding water that was drumming onto his shoulders. The sound of the lone shower echoed around the 6th years bathroom, bouncing off the tiles running with condensation and steaming the mirrors up.  
  
In the dormitories the boys were sleeping peacefully, their quiet breathing occasionally punctured by a snore or a mumbled word. Remus could hear Peter's snoring above all the others and he thought he caught the sound of Sirius' voice, muttering something in his sleep. Then it was quiet again.  
  
Remus' pale skin was turning blotchy in the heat as he scrubbed feverously at himself with his hands and soap. His nails dug into his skin and caused red lines to appear across it's fragile surface. It was as though he thought that if he washed hard enough and long enough, he could wash the nights events from his mind, his body. Tilting his head back, he let the steaming water fill his mouth, washing away the lingering taste of Branwen. Remus felt curiously numb. It was as though, here, in the familiar surroundings of the bathroom, with the shower running and all the other boys sleeping in their beds, the events of the evening had never happened. It was a dream, something that he had invented, another of his what-if stories, or would-you-rather ones;  
  
Would you rather the whole school knew that you were a werewolf, or that you were raped by Branwen in an empty classroom?  
  
Remus spat the water onto the tiles and waited for the water to stop. Blindly, he reached out and grabbed the towel that he knew would be there, roughly drying his face and torso. It wasn't a dream, his body told him. How could dreams leave purple bruises on the sides of your chest. How could dreams cause you to ache all over and your head to thump to the sound of bone on stone.  
  
At least my appetite has disappeared, Remus thought dully as he pulled his pyjamas on and slung his clothes and towel over one arm. His body ached and his scratches stung slightly as he walked. He could not wait to lye in his own bed and let sleep claim him.  
  
The pyjamas were not his own, he had ripped his up during one of his more violent nightmares and he was borrowing a pair of Sirius'. I wonder if Sirius would want me to wear his pyjamas if he knew what had happened to me tonight, Remus thought as he passed his sleeping friend's bed. Sirius' face, usually composed to look cheerful and carefree when awake, was serious and troubled in his sleep. A frown wrinkled his forehead and Sirius turned in his sleep, pushing his head into his pillow. Sirius had an unhappy home life, Remus knew that, and he didn't want to add another worry to his friend's shoulders. Anyway, the thought of telling anyone made Remus cringe. It'll just blow over, he told himself, she's got what she wanted and me? Well, I've always had secrets and this is just another one.  
  
Remus overslept the next morning, left by his friends to sleep a little longer. Despite the fact that Remus had been careful not to wake anyone the previous night, James had heard him return and go to bed and had warned the others not to wake him.  
  
Remus opened his eyes slowly and blearily and shut them again immediately as the morning light hit them with unmerciful brightness. He felt terrible. His stomach ached and he had a dull headache beginning. Of course, he thought and he felt the familiar flip in his stomach, tonight it's the full moon. But there was something else. He groaned as he turned onto his side and felt his bruises and scratches protest. Last night, Branwen. He was no longer a virgin. He felt like throwing up. And dirty, he felt so dirty. Slowly, he got out of bed and stumbled to the showers where he woke up gradually under the soothing rush of warm water. Oblivious to the scratches and bruises he already had, he began rubbing again, this time with a bristly back-scrubber that Peter or James must have left behind. Sirius didn't use such things, and treated them with disdain. He preferred to wash in his dog form, and shake himself dry afterwards.  
  
Remus was about to open the door to the common room when it burst open and his three friends tumbled in, laughing and panting.  
  
"Oh, hey Moony!" gasped James, "We were just coming to get you."  
  
"We brought you some breakfast!" squeaked Peter as he stood up from the pile, letting Sirius pull James up.  
  
"I'm afraid it's a bit squashed now," said Sirius regretfully, looking at the pile of buttery toast in his hand, "But it still tastes pretty good" he decided brightly as they all walked into the common room, oblivious to the blush slowly creeping into Remus' cheeks.  
  
"Hey you! That's for Moony!" laughed James, snatching the slightly crushed toast from Sirius and then flopping down into one of the chairs. He took a large bite from the one Sirius had chewed and then handed them to Peter "Actually, you're right, they don't taste half bad!"  
  
Peter, looking down at the toast, said thoughtfully, "It's the full moon tonight, isn't it? I don't think I can come. I've got that Potions homework we got set AGES ago and I still haven't done it, and then there's the History of Magic project. I still haven't decided what I'm doing. What're you doing James?" He took a small nibble from the corner of the toast and then gave the whole pile to Remus who was still hovering in the doorway. He gratefully took them and then went and sat on the sofa, next to Peter, carefully avoiding making eye contact with anyone.  
  
"Dunno." Said James carelessly, "But listen, about tonight. You have to go, 'cos I can't. I've got Quidditch practise."  
  
"Again?" said Sirius incredulously from his perch on the arm of the sofa "But you had it last night!"  
  
"Yeah, I know. But we've got a really tough match against Slytherin next Saturday and Versey really doesn't want to lose. I'm sorry guys but you'll just have to do it without me."  
  
"Ah well, looks like it's just you and me then, eh Moony?" Sirius mock- sighed, putting a hand on Remus' shoulder. Remus stared studiously at the last piece of toast in his hands and tried to stop himself from turning red. Branwen had touched him there. It was as though he could feel her touch, like a rash beneath his clothes.  
  
"What's wrong anyway Remus? What time did you get back last night? Must have been late, you look terrible."  
  
Unable to meet Sirius' inquiring and concerned gaze, Remus just shrugged one shoulder and put the rest of the toast into his mouth.  
  
"Shit! First lesson started 15 minutes ago!" announced Peter, jumping up from the sofa "Professor Binns is going to kill us!"  
  
Glad of a distraction, Remus followed slowly as his friends rushed out of the portrait hole. 


	3. secrets

Remus walked into the great hall and had the curious feeling that everyone was looking at him. He knew it wasn't true, but still he felt self conscious and uncomfortable. As he made his way to the Gryffindor table, he scratched at a small scab already beginning to form on his elbow. Around him, the hubbub of lunch rose and fell and his wolf's senses told him that he was being watched. Lifting his eyes from the floor, he looked straight into the greeny blue eyes staring at him from the Slytherin's table. His stomach clenched painfully and he dropped his books. Happy for an excuse to look away, he quickly bent and began picking them up. He realised that someone was helping him only when some papers were pushed into his arms and he glanced into the teasing brown eyes of Sirius Black.  
  
"What's the matter Moony? You've been acting strangely all morning! You've been a real butterfingers. I don't think Snape is ever going to recover from you dropping that hair growth potion on his feet! Serves him right for going around in shoes that have holes in them!"  
  
Seeing that Remus wasn't laughing, Sirius tried a different approach "Seriously, though. What is wrong with you? Are you feeling ok?"  
  
Straightening up and hugging his books to his chest, Remus gave a non- committal shrug. "I'm just tired, that's all."  
  
As he sat down at the table, he thought of telling Sirius everything. Sirius could take it. He'd been the first to know about Remus being a werewolf; he'd almost figured it out for himself before Remus told him. And he had stuck by him. No matter how Remus was feeling, Sirius was always there, standing by, to laugh with, joke with, and be serious with. To copy homework off you. No matter how terrible a day had been, Sirius was always at the end of it, with his too wide smile and his large soft brown eyes, laughing and cajoling, cheering you up instantly. And if that didn't work, he would support you, comfort you.  
  
Look what he's done for you, thought Remus, look what they've all done. Every full moon, they risk they're education to keep you company. How many times have they got into trouble for you? Countless.  
  
Remus turned, opened his mouth, was about to speak.  
  
Sirius was in full flow, his eyes were bright and he was talking quickly, occasionally stopping to eat a forkful of potato and then continuing before he'd even swallowed. He was explaining something to do with transfiguration to Lily and she was hanging on his every word, her eyes occasionally glancing towards James who was interrupting at regular intervals to disagree with something that had been said.  
  
Remus was about to put a hand out to touch Sirius' elbow when out of the corner of his eye, he saw someone from the Slytherin table stand. Involuntarily he looked across, meeting that same watery green gaze that had trapped him the night before. He felt his breath catch and bile start to rise at the back of his throat. He couldn't look away from her and irrational panic was starting to flutter somewhere in his chest. What if she came over? He would die. Die of shame and embarrassment.  
  
Suddenly, from somewhere behind him he heard his name. Turning around he realised that most of his friends were gazing concernedly at him. His hand was still raised, slightly reaching towards Sirius. Quickly he withdrew it and turned back to the table.  
  
"Remus?" asked Sirius again "were you about to say something?"  
  
Remus could feel her staring at him and the hairs on the back of his neck stiffened. He thought once more of telling his friends his secret, before shoving it to the back of his mind and forcing a smile.  
  
"Nope. Nothing. Only..." he searched for a suitably distracting topic, "How was Quidditch practise last night?"  
  
The table relaxed and Remus drifted off as James started talking elatedly about how he had caught the snitch in an amazingly quick time, with Peter nodding eagerly in agreement. Remus stared down at his baked potato, oozing butter and melted cheese. He no longer felt hungry and his friends were starting to annoy him, with their banal talk of Quidditch and school. He needed to escape.  
  
He stood up abruptly, pushing his plate away.  
  
"Not hungry, think I'll take a walk"  
  
His friends, still engrossed in James' Quidditch story only nodded and gave vague smiles.  
  
Who needs them anyway? Thought Remus as he left, they're not such great friends anyway, where were they last night when you needed them? Off playing their beloved Quidditch. The reasonable Remus knew that it was just the wolf inside him talking, but at the moment it was the unreasonable Remus who had control and he liked the way he was thinking. Let them abandon me tonight. I don't want them around, in fact, I'll tell Sirius to stay away too. I don't need any of them.  
  
At that moment, the scab he had been picking at came off and his fingers were wetted with his own blood.

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"No! Look, I already told you, I don't want you there tonight. It's...I...it's complicated. You wouldn't understand"  
  
"But why not? You aren't giving me the chance to understand if you don't tell me anything! It'll be fine! I can handle you when you're...when I'm...We've done it before haven't we?!"  
  
Sirius's confused and angry face confronted Remus as he forced him to stop in the middle of a busy corridor. Annoyed 6th years glared at them as they sidestepped the arguing pair. Remus felt himself blush under the curious gazes that a few Gryffindors threw at them-it was uncommon to see any of the marauders arguing, they bickered often, but argued very rarely.  
  
"Do you have to speak so loudly?" he hissed sideways, dragging Sirius into a reluctant walk, "You've just got to trust me Sirius. Anyway, it's not going to be the same without James and Peter."  
  
"But we've done it before—"Sirius started to argue as they entered the Great hall.  
  
James was sitting at the Gryffindor table, entertaining those around him with a wild story, accompanied with large hand gestures that were in danger of sending goblets and food flying. Peter was sitting next to him, laughing and nodding along with the story, occasionally adding a few bits of his own but mainly happy to bask in the glory of his friend. Across from them was Lily Evans, her red hair hanging smooth and shining down her back, smiling straight at James who obviously only had eyes for her.  
  
With a cursory glance at Remus, Sirius stalked over to the table and squeezed in next to Lily and immediately joined in, sending the whole table into peals of laughter. Remus stood for a while watching it all. Peter saw him and beckoned to him but Remus suddenly felt sickened.  
  
He turned and left the great hall, it would be dark soon anyway. 


	4. he told him not to come

someone has kindly pointed out to me that sirius has grey eyes. i'm sorry but i think that he is far better suited to brown ones and so that is how he is staying in my fic.

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It was dark, a strong autumnal wind whistled through the branches of trees making them creak and bend, and sending dead leaves racing across the grass. A full moon hung like a silver orb suspended from some high, unseen beam, watching over Hogwarts School. The front doors opened, and a crack of yellow light fell out across the steps and sounds of laughter and chatter floated out. Then the doors shut and everything was returned to darkness, with only the lonely sound of the wind moving through trees.

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Remus had changed an hour ago. His arms had lengthened, a tail had sprouted and long, silver grey hairs covered his body. Long fangs glistened with saliva and yellow eyes rolled in their sockets as the werewolf threw itself around an empty room of the shrieking shack, hitting walls and skirting boards, crushing chairs and small tables with it's bulk and force. It was a terrifying sight to watch, but no one was there to see. Remus was no longer capable of coherent thought. He only knew that he was very angry about something, and also very sad. The combination of emotions confused the werewolf and so it did the only thing it's simplified mind could bring itself to do in a situation like this-it made as much noise, caused as much damage and inflicted as much physical pain as it could. It already had several deep gashes along its back and there was a line of blood leading from the corner of it's mouth to the top of it's jaw.  
  
Suddenly, it stopped it's trail of destruction. It's ears pricked and swivelled and it looked towards the door. Silently, it padded over and sniffed at the slight breeze coming up the stairs. There was something else in the house. The werewolf could hear it making it's way up the stairs, the sound of it's breathing, the occasional creak of a floorboard under it's feet. He could tell by the sound of it's footsteps that it was not as heavy as him, would be no match against him in a fight. Again he sniffed at the air. It was a dog. Another beast, in his territory! The werewolf pressed itself against the floor, and let a low threatening growl escape it's lips. It's eyes were fixed on the top of the stairs, suddenly, a pair of pitch black ears appeared, and then the face of a large, bear-like dog appeared, with large soft brown eyes that somewhere in the back of it's head, it knew it recognised.  
  
But there was no time to think about it because now was his chance and the werewolf ran at the dog, taking it completely by surprise. They rolled down the stairs, their claws sunk deep into each other and the werewolf trying to bite the dogs neck. They landed in a pile at the bottom and the dog managed to get away, running into a corner and growling, baring it's teeth at the werewolf, but the werewolf was not afraid. Tonight, there was an insatiable urge to tear and rip and destroy. It ran at the dog, sinking it's teeth into the flesh at the shoulder and worrying it, ignoring the feeble clawing of the other dog. It flung the beast at the wall and it fell, landing on the floor in a bedraggled pile, it's blood wetting it's fur. Suddenly, the dog turned into a man. A boy. A boy with dark black hair and soft brown eyes and blood, trickling along his skin.  
  
"Remus..." he said, a dribble of blood rolling across his chin "Remus..."  
  
The werewolf shook it's head in confusion, there was a screaming at the back of it's mind. High pitched, panicked, desperate, a wail that wouldn't stop. It was too much, the confusion, the pain, the anger, the rush of the blood in it's veins as it grappled with the dog. The werewolf felt suddenly tired, he anted it all to stop. Turning away from the bleeding boy, it ran at the opposite wall, crashing into it headfirst again and again, thumping it's head against the solid brick, bits of plaster falling from the ceiling and landing in it's hair. Finally, it fell, concussed and exhausted to the floor. The boy, having watched the whole thing, lay back and with barely a thought as to the danger he was in, fell into a deep and dreamless sleep.

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Remus awaoke. His head felt like it had cracked and a million doxies were having a party in it. He tried to roll over but his whole body screamed out in pain. Forcing himself, he put an arm underneath him and pushed himself up. His eyes felt like they were stuck together and as he forced them to open, he realised they were crusty with blood. In fact, he was covered in blood. His whole body was criss-crossed with scratches and tears, dried blood colouring the skin not already blossoming with bruises a dark red. Weak sunlight pushed its way feebly through the dust and grime on a small window above his head, dust motes swirled prettily in the light and behind him he heard someone moan. It was only then that he really woke up and realised where he was, what day it was and why he was there, covered in blood and bruises. He whirled around, almost crying out in pain as some of the scabs already forming on his skin broke and fresh blood squeezed out to join the already dried blood.  
  
There, lying opposite him, in a ray of morning sunlight, lay Sirius. His eyes were closed but his mouth was open and a strand of hair that had fallen in front of his face was blowing imperceptibly in the faint breath coming from his parted lips. Remus crawled painfully over to Sirius, taking in his friends ripped and bloodstained clothes, and realising that he himself must have caused the damage. He could only remember glimpses of the night before; arriving at the shrieking shack, realising Sirius was there, rolling down some stairs, and then gazing at a young boy, helpless and trembling on the floor. Remus put out a hand and saw that the boy was still bleeding. There was a deep gash running along either side of his shoulder and although it was covered in half-formed scabs and dried blood, fresh blood was still oozing out of it.  
  
I must have done that, thought Remus, putting a hand up to his lips he felt the blood and now that he knew that, he realised that he could taste blood on his tongue, his teeth. Quickly, he stumbled to his feet and ran to another corner, heaving and retching. Tears streamed down his face as he turned around, wiping an arm across his mouth.  
  
"What have I done?" he whispered. Not enough. There was still time, if he hurried, to get Sirius back to school, to Madame Pomfrey. Maybe she'd be able to save him. Remus leant down to pick up his still barely breathing friend and then realised that he himself was in no state to approach the school. Unlike animagi, when Remus transformed into a werewolf, when he turned back, he wasn't fully-or even partially-dressed.  
  
Ignoring his own injuries, Remus raced up the stairs, painfully aware of how short of time he was.

T.B.C


	5. a new morning

thanks for all the reviews! they've been great, keep them coming and don't forget to mention anything you didn't like or thought could be improved. Thanks again!

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"Remus?"  
  
Remus felt a cool hand on his cheek and thought for a moment that he was back in the shrieking shack with Sirius, and it was Sirius' hand against his cheek. His stomach twisted, but pleasantly this time, and he was surprised at his disappointment when he realised it was James' voice he could hear. He kept his eyes closed and feigned sleep. He must be in the medical room, once his ears had tuned in to the noise around him he recognised the strangely familiar sounds. Someone had just come in with a bad case of bat bogeys, across the room someone had a group of visitors who kept laughing really loudly. Madame Pomfrey seemed to be arguing with someone about chocolate. Remus was brought back to his immediate surroundings by another whispered call.  
  
"Sirius?" There was a pause, "Remus? We know you're awake."  
  
Remus made no move to answer and after a while he heard them leave, pulling aside curtains and stepping outside. The group of visitors at the other bed had left as well and the person with bat bogeys had obviously been dispatched with, so Remus heard every word of the whispered conversation that was taking place just outside his cubicle.  
  
"Madame Pomfrey? Do you know what happened, I mean, when Remus came in did he, did he tell you?"  
  
"No, I'm afraid I don't know anything about what happened before Remus came knocking at my door at about 7 o'clock this morning. He wasn't in much state to talk you know. I'd never seen him this bad before."  
  
"So you have no idea?"  
  
"No, I'm sorry but I can't say I do. Besides, I shouldn't be telling you any of this."  
  
"Can you tell us if Sirius is going to be all right? We are his friends."  
  
Remus held his breath. The memory of Sirius, lying like a broken doll, surrounded by blood, came unbidden into his mind.  
  
"Well, he lost an awful lot of blood. I've given him two glasses of blood replenishing solution already and he's up for his third. The wound has healed up nicely, though he'll have a scar, nothing I can do about that."  
  
Relief swept through him and he let his breath out slowly. Sirius was going to be ok. But a scar, Remus thought, I've scarred him, possibly for life. Guilt writhed inside him. It was his own fault, he told himself feebly, I tried to warn him. I told him not to come. Yes but he's Sirius, you should have known he wouldn't listen to you, you should have known that something like this would happen, you should have controlled yourself  
  
"And Remus? Is he ok?"  
  
Yes, me, am I ok?  
  
"Well, I don't know. There were a lot more cuts on him than could be explained by a mere fight. They were fine scratches, and other bruises too. You boys wouldn't know anything? They were all over his body, covered in them he was."  
  
Remus ran his hands along his now smooth arms, the scabs and scratches were just a faint memory now and he hated it. Over the past three days he had been through so much. And what did he have to show for it? Nothing. He dug his nails in carefully, scraping them along the newly healed skin of him forearm. Outside, he heard his friends say a last good bye and disappear to the Great hall for dinner. At least that was one good thing, he didn't have to have supper with everyone else, have the feeling of being watched by that one particular pair of watery green eyes. He drew his nails along again, drawing fresh lines along his skin.  
  
After a while, he fell into a fresh doze.  
  
He dreamt.  
  
He was carrying Sirius across the grass of the fields outside Hogwarts. Sirius had his eyes closed but Remus knew that he was sleeping, and that once they got to the castle Sirius would wake up again and he could tell him everything. But the castle was getting further and further away and Sirius was becoming heavier and heavier. Remus looked down and he realised that it wasn't Sirius he'd been carrying, it was Branwen, Sirius was dead. And then suddenly, she was on top of him, and she was so heavy and she was pressing down and down, she was burying him. But Remus could see through the ground and he looked up and he saw Sirius crying and then Branwen came and took his hand and said "It's ok, he'll leave a scar" and then both of them walked off towards the castle and Remus was left, buried in the ground, and no one knew. No one knew.  
  
Remus woke up, drenched in sweat, with Madame Pomfrey standing over him with a glass of water in her hand.  
  
"Shhhh, it's ok" she soothed, "it's ok. It's only 5 o'clock in the morning. Drink this and go back to sleep."  
  
Remus grasped the glass gratefully, at the same time realising it was a dreamless sleep potion, and drank it in two gulps.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Remus slept on and off for the rest of the next day. Every time he awoke, he would sit up and look at the next bed, where Sirius was still sleeping, his brow wrinkled in a little frown, as though he had forgotten something. His black hair was spread out across the pillow, contrasting with the crisp white sheets and Sirius' pale skin. His eyelids flickered and occasionally he would moan, attracting Madame Pomfrey's attention immediately, and sending her scurrying towards their cubicle, to press her hand against his forehead, take his pulse and give him another dose of blood thickening solution. Once Remus had established that Sirius was still asleep, he would turn over and return to dream-filled dozing.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Remus awoke to the sound of laughter. A chocolate frog landed on his face and he opened his eyes, meeting the gaze of Peter who leant over guiltily and popped the whole frog into his mouth.  
  
"hey!" he said around his mouthful of chocolate "this one's awake too!"  
  
"Moony!" called James happily from the other bed, where, Remus saw as he propped himself up groggily, he was surrounded by packets of sweets, chocolates and wrappers.  
  
"I was wondering when you were going to wake up!"  
  
Sirius grinned at Remus as he chucked him a couple of frogs and winked when he saw Remus' astonished and delighted face.  
  
"Well, don't look so surprised! It's not as if I was going to die and leave you to eat all the sweets!"  
  
Remus sensed a serious note underneath the belying lightness and twisted his mouth into a smile.  
  
"Happy Halloween by the way" called Peter, "Come over and join us!"  
  
"Yeah, we've forsaken the light and merriment of the Halloween feast to be with you two miserable sods, the least you can do is help us eat all the sweets we got for you!"  
  
"Come on, you can share my bed!" Sirius laughed at him, pulling up the cover so that the huge pile of sweets that was nestled on it spilled onto the floor. Remus could see a section of Sirius' thigh, not hidden by his hospital robe.  
  
He imagined getting into bed with Sirius, the warmth of another body, the feel of his leg pressing against Sirius', the weight of the sweets on his lap. Uninvited, images of room 30 came into his head, and ones from the night before and the night before that; Branwen, pressing down on him, her mouth covering his, himself, covered in his own and Sirius' blood, him staggering through the hospital doors and collapsing onto the floor, Sirius in his dream, walking away from him with Branwen.  
  
He closed his eyes.  
  
"No thanks, I actually feel quite ill still." He dug his nails gently into his leg, "I think I'll just go back to sleep." He smiled at the section of wall behind Sirius' head, a false, bright smile to match his false cheery voice "I'm glad you're better."  
  
To the sound of his friends' moans, their entreaties, their laughter, and Sirius' strange silence, Remus turned over and closed his eyes. Behind him, the party continued, Sirius laughing, making jokes and continuing as though he hadn't been lying at deaths door just 48 hours previously.  
  
Remus was still awake when James and Peter left 3 hours later.


	6. conversations of the uncomfortable kind

**Note: **lots of people have been telling me that Sirius' eyes are blue, or grey but i think that both these colours are too cold for sirius and for the sake of this story his has brown eyes. full stop.

-------------------------------------------------

"Remus?"  
  
When were people going to stop saying his name?  
  
"Mmf"  
  
"You awake?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
Sirius laughed through the darkness. It wasn't his usual bark-like laugh and, thought Remus, it sounded rather hollow and slightly nervous. Afterwards there was a long silence. They were the only patients in the hospital wing and the only other sound apart from their voices was the thrumming of the rain against the windows and the shushing of the wind in the forbidden forest.  
  
Sirius was the first to break the silence.  
  
"I can't believe that James is finally going out with Lily and he spent the first night of their relationship visiting us! I mean, you know how long James has fancied her for!"  
  
"Big of him." Remus said, not showing any interest in the way the conversation was going. Sirius decided to change tack.  
  
"So how are you?"  
  
"Me?!" Remus was astonished; here was the person who he had almost killed, asking him with real concern if he was alright "Of course I'm alright, I wasn't the one with the werewolf hanging off my neck." Another awkward silence. "How are you?"  
  
"Fine, I can't even really remember what happened."  
  
Remus knew he was lying but he didn't press it. "Me neither."  
  
They both lay for a while, lost in their own thoughts. Again, it was Sirius who broke the silence.  
  
"Listen, I'm really sorry. I was such an idiot, it's all my fault. This I mean."  
  
"What?" said Remus bitterly, "the fact that I attacked you, ripped you apart and nearly killed you? Or the fact that we're both lying here, pumped full of potions and missing the Halloween party? Or both?"  
  
"Both" said Sirius gloomily, "If I hadn't gone up to the shack, you wouldn't have attacked me and neither of us would be here. You did warn me and I completely ignored you."  
  
Remus felt an irrational annoyance creep up inside him. Here Sirius was, only hours after recovering from near-fatal wounds inflicted by Remus, trying to take the blame for Remus' own actions.  
  
"You'll be wanting to claim responsibility for me becoming a werewolf next." He said "And if you don't recall, I would be in here anyway, so it doesn't make any difference to me."  
  
Sirius sat up in bed, turning towards Remus and causing sweet wrappers to crackle as he moved.  
  
"What's up with you Moony? You've been acting really strangely lately. And James said that Madame Pomfrey thinks that something else hurt you as well as me. What is it you're not telling us?"  
  
Remus felt anger boil up inside him.  
  
"Nothing! Why do you keep saying that? You sound like a stuck record! Don't you have anything else to say to me? Like sorry maybe? You're right, I did tell you not to come to the Shack, but did you listen? No. If you would just forget about always doing what you want to do and listen to other people for a change, none of this would have happened!" Remus exploded suddenly, his voice echoing around the room long after he had finished.  
  
Sirius' voice came out of the silence that followed.  
  
"You know, I do remember it." said Sirius calmly, taking Remus completely by surprise, "everything."  
  
Remus didn't know what to say to that so he kept silent, allowing his breathing to return to normal.  
  
"Were you scared?" he said eventually.  
  
There was a moment's pause. Remus knew that even if Sirius had been scared, he wouldn't readily admit it, so he was surprised when Sirius finally spoke;  
  
"Yes."  
  
It felt like the darkness was pressing in on Remus and once again he could see Sirius, surrounded by blood, pale and barely breathing on the floor of the Shrieking shack. He swallowed.  
  
"Why did you turn back?"  
  
He lay, listening to the rain and the wind, dreading the answer and when it came, it sent a fresh wave of guilt crashing through him.  
  
"I thought I was going to die. I thought that you were going to kill me. I wanted to see, I wanted to talk to you before..." he trailed off  
  
"Before I killed you." Remus finished, his words devoid of any emotion. Underneath the covers, his nails were digging into his thigh, sending a dull pain along his leg.  
  
The rain continued with increased intensity and in the halls of the castle, Remus heard some late night revellers returning to their dorms, laughing and joking noisily, their voices fading away as they continued upwards.  
  
"Night Sirius." He said and turned over. To his surprise, Sirius did not protest or try to continue the conversation and after a while Remus heard his steady breathing and knew that he was asleep.  
  
He dug his nails into the palm of his hand. It was going to be a long night.

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The next day passed in a blur of numbness and tiredness bordering on exhaustion for Remus. He and Sirius were discharged from the hospital wing and allowed to re-enter the daily life of Hogwarts. However, Remus was too tired to listen properly in class, his concentration slipping every few minutes and a headache building up behind his ears. He was immensely grateful when the end of the day finally came and he was allowed to stagger up to the Gryffindor tower and collapse onto his bed. Immediately, he fell into a deep doze, only to be awoken by a whispered conversation taking place at the end of his bed. He recognised the voices of Sirius and James.  
  
"I don't know, he's been acting really strange. And when I talked to him last night, he just yelled at me. It was unnerving, and so unlike him."  
  
"Did you ask him about the scratches? Madame Pomfrey said they were long and fine, like human scratches."  
  
"What do you think that means?"  
  
"Maybe he got into a fight? Or maybe he's doing it himself?"  
  
"Doing it himself? What for? And Moony, get into a fight? The whole school would have heard about that by now!"  
  
"Well then, what do you think? It's my only explanation. And Remus isn't exactly co-operating."  
  
"He's being really defensive as well. Today I had to ask three times for a teapot in transfiguration, and when I tapped him on the shoulder he snapped at me as though I was interrupting an important reverie or something. I don't know, he's just acting so unlike himself"  
  
"Are you sure he's asleep?" James said suddenly  
  
"Yeah," said Sirius peering round the drapes to look at the supposedly slumbering Remus "Out like a light."  
  
At this point, Remus heard the door to the dormitories open and shut and Peter joined the conversation.  
  
"Ready for the match tomorrow James? I heard Rodgers saying she was going to beat you to a pulp before you'd even got on the pitch."  
  
James laughed, "Not with her aim she's not, anyway, it's whatserface, Dunn I'm worried about."  
  
Remus stiffened at the name and a shiver of revulsion swept through him.  
  
"Yeah, got a face like the back of a bus, I'd watch out if were you, she looks like the sort of person who wouldn't hesitate to get you up behind a wall and give you a good duffing up before the game."  
  
Remus heard the laugh in Sirius' voice and felt something wrench at his chest.  
  
"Listen, Sirius, did you talk to Remus last night? Only, I tried to talk to him today and he just ignored me"  
  
"Yeah, we've all tried, he just doesn't want to talk to anybody." James replied "and apparently he nearly had Sirius' head off last night when he tried to talk to him."  
  
"Well if he won't talk to Sirius then I don't see that he's going to talk to anyone. What is wrong with him?! And what about all those scratches?"  
  
"Yeah, James thinks he's scratching himself" scoffed Sirius  
  
"So what do you think?" Peter asked eagerly.  
  
Remus couldn't stand listening to them discuss him any longer. Wrenching aside his curtains, he looked up into the shocked faces of his three friends.  
  
"Remus..." said Sirius  
  
"Have a nice little chat about me did you? A cosy little discussion about poor old Remus. What are you going to do with him?"  
  
"Look, it wasn't like that..." began James  
  
"I heard what it was like James, I was listening the whole time. You didn't think you could talk about me right at the end of my bed and not have me notice did you?"  
  
The three boys stood looking at each other. Peter was going quite red and was wringing his hands and looking at James, while James was staring at Sirius who was looking directly at Remus. Remus was glaring angrily at each of them in turn. Suddenly he seemed to get sick of it and turning, he yanked his towel out of his trunk and pushed through the other boys towards the bathroom.  
  
"We're only worried about you!" yelled Sirius from behind him  
  
"Yeah? Well I don't need you to be worried about me Sirius Black! I don't need any of you to worry about me! I'm fine on my own ok? FINE!!"

And with that he stormed out of the dormitory and into the bathroom, leaving his friends staring helplessly after him.


	7. revelations

The next day, Remus woke early, before even James. After grabbing a slice of toast, he went outside into the cold November air. A thick, grey mist hung heavy over the tops of the trees and the sky was a dull slate grey, threatening rain. He walked slowly around the castle, the moisture in the air clinging to his robes and freezing his face and hands. Just before the Quidditch match was about to start, he ran up to the Gryffindor tower to grab a scarf and gloves. There was no one there and it was eerily quiet, outside it had started to drizzle. A depressing sort of rain with no sign of stopping. Remus considered for a moment staying indoors, keeping dry by the common room fire and finishing off the astrology homework Professor Synastra had set for them the day before. But just a glance at the instructions told him that he didn't have a hope in hell of doing it right and so, reluctantly, he decided that Quidditch was his only other option.  
  
"Go Gryffindor!!" screamed an eager first year to Remus' right. The commentator droned on in the background and the gryffindor stands erupted as Versey put the ball through the right hand hoop, catching it expertly and doing a triumphant lap of victory whilst a furious looking Rodgers muttered to his teammates. Meanwhile, James soared above their heads, his hair messed by the wind, watching closely for any sign of the snitch.  
  
Remus didn't notice any of this. He was too busy watching the large girl in green. She was perched on a broom that looked like it ought to snap under her weight, and was holding a hefty looking bat and glaring menacingly around the pitch.  
  
Remus had purposefully chosen a seat on the other side of the Gryffindor stands to where he and his friends usually sat. He was surrounded by first and second years, their brightly coloured flags and banners framing his view of the pitch. He had been trying to ignore Peter and Sirius but couldn't help throwing occasional glances across at them. While Peter was watching the game with a rapt expression on his face, Sirius' head was bent low over his lap and he was scribbling something, looking up now and then to check on the players in front of him, and then going back to the sketchbook balanced on his knees.  
  
Sirius wasn't that interested in the game of Quidditch, and cared even less about the outcome, but he always went along to the games for James' sake and to draw the players. He had told Remus he enjoyed the atmosphere of the crowds and the excitement of being part of something. Although he was amazing on his broom and had been asked more than twice by Versey to join the team, he stubbornly refused, saying that he preferred to draw the players rather than be one of them. He never showed anyone his sketchbook, although plenty of people had asked. He occasionally showed Remus and the rest of the marauders a carefully chosen picture or drawing, coloured or black and white and completed. Sirius had a real gift for drawing but only occasionally animated his sketches with magic, preferring to leave them still, like a muggle snapshot.  
  
Suddenly, Sirius looked up, directly into Remus' eyes. Remus felt himself blushing fro being caught staring, but Sirius smiled un-self-consciously and Remus could see that he was caught up in his drawing, not remembering that Remus wasn't talking to him.  
  
He looked away, in time to see James diving headlong towards a glimmering spot of gold, the Slytherin seeker hot on his tail. All the stands were up on their feet, screaming and yelling, cheering their seeker on. James' hand was outstretched, fingers reaching and almost touching the fluttering white wings of the snitch. He was so far forward on his broom that it seemed he was flying without support. The Slytherin seeker was next to James, their shoulders touching, their hair blowing in the wind, both straining forwards, to catch that glimmering orb.  
  
Suddenly, a bludger came out of nowhere, smacking James in the side of his head. Remus watched in slow motion as James' whole body arced, his wolf's eyes picking up the droplets of blood flying from his nose and lips. James had let go of his broom and was tumbling almost gracefully through the air, arms and legs flying uselessly beside him. The stands were completely silent but only Remus heard the heart-stopping crunch of bones as James hit the floor, splayed out on the damp grass like a puppet whose strings have just been cut.  
  
Then everything speeded up. All the players on the pitch flying towards that one spot on the ground, even the Slytherins, the snitch clasped in the seeker's hand. Madame Hollander ran across the pitch, blowing her whistle and waving her arms, forcing her way through the huddle of players. A few Slytherins hung back, talking to each other, and Remus saw with a sinking feeling as Rodgers walked up to Branwen Dunn, patting her on the back and laughing.  
  
Remus couldn't move, was stuck to the floor of the stands with shock as people around him began milling about, leaving and chatting. Out of the corner of his eye, Remus saw as Sirius stood up, his sketch book and pencils falling to the floor with a clatter. His fists were clenched and he was saying something to Peter before pushing his way down the stands, causing third years to trip over themselves to get out of his way. Peter followed nervously behind him, apologising to the people as they passed. Remus realised Sirius was making a beeline for Branwen.  
  
Everyone was against him as he struggled to reach the place where Sirius has been standing only moments before. Bending down, he gathered the pencils and sketch book, hugging it to his chest before making his way carefully around the seats.  
  
Down on the pitch Remus could see Sirius striding towards Branwen, rolling his sleeves up as he walked, ignoring the high pitched pleading from Peter. Sirius walked directly up behind Branwen and tapped her on the shoulder. She was about four inches taller than Sirius was, but as she turned around he drew his fist back and swung it into her face, causing her to stagger back a few steps in shock before smiling and returning the blow.  
  
By the time Remus reached the pitch, Branwen and Sirius were locked in a ferocious struggle, rolling in mud and shallow puddles, occasionally getting the upper hand and striking before being forced down by the other. Peter was standing nearby, begging with Sirius to stop and follow James to the medical room, whilst a group of Slytherins were standing a bit nearer, egging Branwen on with shouts of "Sock it to 'im Dunn!" and "Go on! Show that filthy Gryffindor who's boss!" And intermingled with the other noises were the combatant's own cries and grunts. Sirius was screaming something about how she'd killed James and he was going to kill her. Behind the fighting, Madame Hollander was overseeing the removal of James on a stretcher towards the hospital wing and Remus could see a trickle of blood against James' impossibly white forehead.  
  
Remus could only stand and watch dumbly, incapable of interference as the fight grew more vicious. Abruptly, Branwen stood up, panting. Sirius was still rolling on the floor in pain; clutching his balls and biting down on his already cut lip. Branwen's eyes locked with Remus' and a slow grin spread across her face. she laughed openly and winked at Remus. He turned and ran.  
  
His feet were slipping on the wet grass and he slipped and fell, landing in a puddle of mud, feeling it ooze between his fingers and drip down the back of his neck as he flicked his hair out of his face and picked himself up. Behind him he could hear the raucous laughter of the Slytherins and he felt shame creep up inside him. But he couldn't stop running. Even when he heard Sirius' weak shout of Remus!, he still continued towards the castle.  
  
Remus flung Sirius' things down onto his own bed and stripped off his wet and muddy clothes, leaving them in a heap on the floor. Shivering in the cold air, he ran into the bathroom, immediately losing himself in the torrent to boiling water that pounded down onto his shoulders, chest and head.  
  
He started heaving weakly but no tears came. When he closed his eyes all he could see was Sirius covered in mud, in blood, himself covered in the same things. And Branwen's cruel laughing face, the way she had winked at him.  
  
"I'M SICK OF THIS!" he screamed and the water filled and bubbled in his mouth. He was sick of feeling dirty all the time, of hiding secrets, of himself hurting, of his friends being hurt. Somehow it was all his fault, everything. And none of it would have happened if he had just told Sirius what was in that note.  
  
If Sirius had known, then he wouldn't have gone to meet Branwen alone, he wouldn't have bitten Sirius that night in the shrieking shack, James would have been more careful on the pitch today, and he, Remus would have been there to hold Sirius back.  
  
But he hadn't. It was the same mixture of emotions that now prevented him from going to see Sirius and James in the hospital wing. It was a mixture of pride and obstinacy. He was too proud to admit that he needed Sirius, and he had been too proud to ask for his help in tackling Branwen, and he was too obstinate to admit he was wrong, he did need Sirius.  
  
It was only after drying himself and putting on clean clothes, leaving the soiled robes on his trunk along with his damp towel for the house elves to collect, that he remembered Sirius' sketchbook. He flopped down onto his bed beside it and took it onto his lap. He had been with Sirius when he had bought it, in a small art shop in the middle of rural France. It had been boiling that day, the sun bouncing off the dusty paths and seeking out every corner, every crack, so that there wasn't a scrap of shade anywhere. That hadn't stopped James' parents driving them outside, forcing Remus, James and Sirius to walk to the next village where they would have apparated first and be waiting for them. They insisted that a walk would do the boys good. When they reached there, the sweat pouring off their backs, their shirts having been pulled off long ago, instead of going straight to the nearest tap to soak themselves under the cool water, Sirius had dragged Remus into an art shop, just re-opened after the midday break. Remus remembered Sirius' long fingers stroking the pages of the book lovingly before buying it from the small lady behind the counter, who was obviously shocked at his flawless French.  
  
Remus hadn't seen inside it since, had only watched as Sirius drew in it, filling page after page until he was forced to slot in his own pages, their edges sticking out slightly from the bulk of the book. Now that Remus was about to open it, he could wonder for the last time what was inside the pages of the famous book. Quidditch players? Mythical beasts? Diagrams? Still lives? People Remus knew? Maybe there would be a picture of him in there, and the other Marauders.  
  
His fingers carefully drew back the front cover of the book and stared down, straight into his own eyes. There, on the very first page was Remus, at a small café table in France, leaning back, his hair falling into his eyes and a half smile playing around his lips. He looked relaxed, as he never felt in school, his bare chest skilfully drawn by Sirius' artful fingers.  
  
Remus turned the pages of the book with growing apprehension, on almost every page his own eyes gazed back at him. Tired, angry, happy, sad, bored, dull, animated. There was even one of him asleep, his hand tangled in his hair, the other one above his head, his sleeping features contorted in fear, in the grip of one of his nightmares. Occasionally there was a sketch of a Quidditch player, or one of the other Marauders, but it was usually hurried or unfinished, the lines scratchy and bored. On the last loose page of paper, there was the beginnings of Remus, gazing out onto the Quidditch pitch, a slight frown creasing his forehead. Behind him, little black Quidditch players hovered, faceless, houseless. A long black line ran diagonally across the page, right across Remus' torso.  
  
Remus shut the book slowly and sat on his bed for a moment, allowing it all to sink in. He had never realised, he never knew, what did it all mean? His breathing sounded unnaturally loud in his ears and the spattering rain slowly filtered into his consciousness. The stillness that filled the room was suddenly shattered as Peter came bursting through the door, panting and holding his chest.  
  
"They're....they're....taking James....St Mungo's...Sirius...come!"  
  
In between taking huge shuddering breaths, Peter tried to relay the message he'd been sent with.  
  
T.B.C 


	8. a broken friendship

Remus followed Peter down the spiral staircase and across the packed common room, which buzzed and hummed with the voices of tired students relaxing and doing homework. Apprehension stifled his voice as he tried to ask Peter what was wrong with James, but Peter didn't give an answer, just ploughed on along corridors and down staircases until they were standing outside the door to the hospital wing. Remus felt an irrational urge to turn around and start running again, away from Sirius, James, Peter, away from everything, even himself. But already Peter was opening the door and he was stepping inside the silent room.  
  
Sirius looked up from where he was sitting beside James' bed and then looked back at his hands. He was completely unblemished; his black hair brushed and clean and not a trace of blood or mud anywhere. It was as if the fight that Remus had witnessed earlier had never occurred.  
  
"Madame Pomfrey's gone to talk with Dumbledore and some people from St. Mungo's" he said, his voice a monotone. "they arrived just as you left Wormtail."  
  
He didn't look at Remus as they went over and Remus felt uncomfortable, as though he wasn't meant to be here, as though he should leave. He tightened his grip on Sirius' sketch book hovered nervously at the end of James' bed.  
  
James looked as though he was sleeping. His face was fresh and clean, his unruly hair swept back from his forehead as though the wind from the Quidditch pitch was still there. His features were serene and untroubled, his eyes closed and his lips slightly parted. Only a small poppy bruise, blossoming at the top of one of his left cheekbone revealed that anything was wrong with him at all.  
  
"I'll just go and see if Lily is coming. She seemed pretty upset, and, well, she deserves to know to doesn't she, I mean, being his, uh, James' girlfriend and, yeah." Peter, who hated hospitals and medical rooms and only ventured inside them very reluctantly, made his excuse and hurried back out of the door he'd just come through.  
  
Remus was left alone with a brooding and silent Sirius. He could hear the murmur of voices behind a closed door at the end of the ward and the sound of Peter's retreating footsteps echoing in the corridor outside. Carefully he shifted his feet, looking down at the stiff white sheets on the bed in front of him.  
  
"They don't know if he'll ever wake up." Sirius' voice forced Remus to look up from the bed. Sirius was staring at him with such intensity that he swallowed nervously and shifted his feet, looking away, out of the window and then back at Sirius.  
  
"I brought back your sketch book. You dropped it." He said lamely.  
  
"I know." Remus' eyes were locked with Sirius' and he felt his heart speed up at the sound of the low, calm voice. "You've looked in it." It wasn't a question, it was a statement, but Remus still nodded dumbly, wishing he could follow Peter out of the oppressive room, wishing he could disappear.  
  
He tried to hand the book to Sirius but Sirius had already turned his gaze towards James, his head supported by his hands, his eyes hooded and brooding. Remus' arm was left hanging in the air until he placed the book carefully onto the bed on top of James' immobile legs.  
  
"Well, I'm so glad that you could make it in such short time. I hope that Poppy has told you all you need to know? ...Good, right, the boy, James Potter, is over here. He has some friends visiting him at the moment. Hello Sirius, Remus." Dumbledore swept from the suddenly opened door towards the two boys, two Healers and Madame Pomfrey following him.  
  
"I'm fine Professor," said Remus weakly when Sirius didn't answer, "Just a bit tired." He tried to smile, caught sight of James and Sirius and stopped, the smile dying on his lips.  
  
"Good, good. Right Gentlemen, I think I'll leave you to it. Poppy, could you supervise it, I have to talk to a particular Slytherin. Boys? I think it's time you went down to supper, James will be fine I assure you, this is just a precaution we have to take."  
  
Remus caught the reference to Branwen as he and Sirius-with Sirius' sketchbook held firmly under his arm- were ushered gently away from their friend. Once again he found himself thinking of telling someone, telling Dumbledore and Sirius, right now. He could just imagine their eyes widening in shock and horror, Sirius' expression turning slowly to anger. He could imagine Dumbledore telling him it would be sorted out, everything would be fine. But then the door closed behind him and Dumbledore's shoes were clicking down the corridor in one direction and Sirius starting to walk in the other. Sirius was walking so fast that Remus had to jog to catch up to him. Sirius' hands were rolled into fists. Suddenly, he burst out.  
  
"That bitch! If I could get my hands on her again, I swear I'd kill her! She doesn't deserve to live! You've seen what she's done to James, you saw her on the pitch laughing." He paused, shaking his head, and then looked Remus directly in the eyes "You saw her! You saw her face! She looked at you."  
  
Remus mouthed the word yes and then coughed, speaking it properly, "Yes. Yes, I saw"  
  
"She was beating me to a pulp and then she stopped. I was on the floor Remus, but you ran off, you ran away. Why? She winked at you Remus, I saw, she winked at you and laughed and you just ran off. Why?"  
  
"I don't know! I don't know why she winked at me and I don't know why I ran off."  
  
"Yes you do!" Sirius was stopped in the middle of the corridor, facing Remus, his raised voice bouncing off the walls. His eyes were filled with anger and what verged on hysteria. "You know something Moony, you know something and you're not telling me. WHY WON'T YOU TELL ME?!"  
  
Remus could feel his own rage building up inside him "I don't know anything ok? OK? I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! You think everything is so simple Sirius. But it's not."  
  
"Oh my god Remus, our friend is lying in there, he might die, and you're STILL lying to me? Why can't you tell the truth Remus? Why? Is it so hard just to tell the fucking TRUTH?!"  
  
Sirius forced Remus backwards until he could feel his back pressing against the wall. Remus could feel the wolf rising inside him, feel the raw animal rage that had started to fill him. Here was Sirius, who just a moment ago he had been considering telling his secret to, with him up against a wall. Like Branwen.  
  
"Can't I have my own secrets?!" he screamed, pushing Sirius away from him, again and again until it was Sirius pinned up against the opposite wall "Or do you have to know everything? Well guess what Sirius, YOU CAN'T HANDLE EVERYTHING!"  
  
His face was inches from Sirius' but Sirius' face remained passive, his expression giving nothing away.  
  
"You have too many secrets Moony." He said quietly.  
  
Remus pushed himself off the wall, away from Sirius, he was stumbling backwards down the corridor.  
  
"I HATE YOU! OK? JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE ALL OF YOU!"  
  
"Even James?!"  
  
Remus turned and ran. His feet pounding on the corridor floors, his breath heaving in his chest, he ran blindly. Sirius' voice followed him down the corridor  
  
"When are you going to stop running Moony?!" 


	9. Stella Artois

**T.B.C means To Be Continued (so now you know all you people out there who were previously ignorant to ther fact.) **

**Thanks for all the great reviews, they've been really moralising (is that a word?) anyway, keep them coming! thank-you again! :)**

That night, Remus stayed away from the dormitory for as long as he could, just wandering the halls of the school until he was sure that everyone else would have gone to their common rooms, or bed. At one point, he found himself outside room 30 on the third floor. It was strange, he reflected, everything had started here, in this room. If he had just avoided it then, he wouldn't be here now, wandering the corridors, lonely and cold.  
  
He hated everything around him, everything. He wanted to destroy something and it scared him how close he had been to punching Sirius in the face, how powerful he had felt when it was him pushing someone else up against a wall. He tried not to think about what would happen when he would have to face Sirius. He tried too, to put James' pale face and inert body out of his mind but it was impossible and he roamed the school unable to think of anything else.  
  
At around 9 o'clock, he made his way to the kitchens, his stomach writhing with hunger. He hadn't been eating properly and it showed. Looking into a mirror on the second floor, Remus noticed how thin he'd become. His face looked sallower and he had dark shadows underneath his eyes. At least my hair is nice and shiny, he thought bitterly, running his hand through his tawny blond hair, letting the strands catch the light before falling back to his face.  
  
In the kitchens, he ate like one starved, grabbing everything the house elves put in front of him-as much as a delaying tactic before he had to return to the dorm as from sheer hunger.  
  
Finally, he was forced to stop eating and go up to his bed. The dormitory was silent when he entered it and he was glad that there was no one he would have to talk to. He pulled on Sirius' pyjamas and fell into bed.  
  
By 2 o'clock he had finally drifted into a dream filled and unrestful sleep.  
  
The next morning, Remus awoke to find the dorm empty apart from Peter, who was just getting dressed.  
  
"Where's Sirius?" asked Remus blearily, pulling himself out of bed and staggering towards the bathroom where he splashed his face with cold water, rinsing the sleep from his eyes and waking himself up properly.  
  
"I don't know," called Peter from the other room "He left before I woke up. We'll probably see him down at breakfast."  
  
When they reached the great hall, breakfast was in full swing. Sirius was sitting surrounded by girls at the opposite end to where the Marauders usually sat. He was obviously telling a hilarious story as he had everyone in stitches around him, but there was something different about the way he was sitting, the way he was talking a little more loudly than necessary, throwing his arms around more and laughing a strange forced laugh. None of the girls had noticed and most looked delighted that Sirius Black, the Sirius Black, had deigned to sit with them. Occasionally Sirius would throw a cursory glance at where Remus was sitting with Peter-who was immersed as usual in The Daily Profit crossword.  
  
At the end of breakfast, Sirius left alone with one of the girls, Stella. She was in most of their classes but Remus had never really paid any attention to her before. She had blond hair that flicked in a pretty sort of way, just reaching her shoulders. She was very well endowed in the breast department and was just a little shorter than Remus, with large blue eyes and a pretty freckled face. He knew that she was widely considered very desirable and had only recently split up from a long-term relationship with a seventh year Hufflepuff. Remus noticed, with a small twinge of jealousy, that as Sirius walked away from the table, he slid an arm around Stella's waist and leant in, his mouth pressed against her blond hair, and whispered something that even Remus' wolf's hearing couldn't pick up.  
  
Remus felt put out. He felt confused and tricked. He thought of the sketchbook filled with his image and of the row that they'd had directly after visiting James. Could he have been wrong about Sirius' feelings for him? Sirius was just his friend and yet Remus felt betrayed, as though they had had some sort of unspoken agreement that neither of them talked about. One that Sirius had just broken by leaving with Stella. Sirius was definitely the most desirable boy in Hogwarts. He had large, soft brown eyes and longish black hair that flopped into his eyes and just touched his jaw line. He wasn't very flashy, but drew attention to himself with his loud bark-like laugh and his way of making everybody feel comfortable. He had an unassuming ease about him, and was obliging and kind to most people and most of the girls in Hogwarts would have been thrilled if he just talked to them. And yet Sirius had only had a few serious relationships, all with girls older than him, ones that had ended on very good terms. Although there were many rumours-most of which Remus suspected were spread by Sirius himself- Remus knew that the furthest Sirius had gone with any girl was kissing.  
  
So why did Remus feel this way? Why had Sirius suddenly started becoming interested in girls that usually he wouldn't have looked twice at? It was all too much.  
  
While Remus had been contemplating all this, and staring at the door of the great hall, Peter had finished his crossword and was already getting up from the table.  
  
"We've got loads of homework to do Remus, we better get up to the common room. I'm doing Ethelred the Unready for my history of magic project and we've both got astrology, potions and transfiguration homework."  
  
Remus followed Peter up to the common room and spent the rest of the day pretending to do homework, whilst really waiting for Sirius to come through the portrait hole and join them. But Sirius never came and at dinner he was sitting with the same group of girls. Remus had to suffer listening to peter talk about Ethelred the unready for the whole of it. He went to bed early and didn't hear Sirius come in.  
  
"Excuse me, sorry, sorry, excuse me." Remus muttered as he squeezed past the people in his potions class, making his way towards his usual seat at the back. Peter was already there but Sirius was sitting with Stella at the front of the classroom. Remus saw with a pang the place where James should be sitting.  
  
"Excuse me, sorry, thanks." He slid in next to Peter and a red-eyed Lily. He tried to smile at her but saw Sirius laughing out of the corner of his eye and the smile died on his lips.  
  
"As I was saying, before Mr Lupin so kindly decided to bless us with his presence, today we will be learning the theory of hair-growing potions, and some of you will be remaking the ones that you did last week. Those who will be redoing the potions are, Stella Artois"-there were a few sniggers at her name-"Remus Lupin, and John & Jenny Rodgers. Now could the rest of you please get on with the work, the instructions are on the board."  
  
Remus tried to concentrate on the potion but it was impossible. He couldn't help stealing little glances at Sirius every now and then. Sirius was sitting at the front, his long legs sticking out from under the desk, completely ignoring the instructions on the board, sketching something in his sketchbook. I wonder if he's drawing me, thought Remus, immediately embarrassed by his thoughts. Of course not.  
  
At the end of the class, Remus bottled his potion and handed it apprehensively to the Professor. It was a strange khaki colour instead of brown and it looked like the crushed porcupine quills hadn't dissolved properly and were still floating around in it. However, he felt a little better when on the way back to his desk to tidy up, he passed Stella's cauldron and saw the bubbling bright green mixture in it. It's a shame Sirius didn't help her, he thought, he always gets the potions perfect.  
  
From the back of the classroom, Remus heard a high-pitched shriek. He looked up from the left-over ingredients he was gathering, in time to see Stella's cauldron tipping over, it's bright green contents spilling over onto the surrounding desk and floor.  
  
"Oh Sirius! I'm so sorry!" Stella flustered, as he immediately produced his wand, vanishing the potion before it had time to seep into the wood. "Your sketchbook! It's gone all over your sketchbook!" Remus' eyes darted to the black book on the front table and saw that it was beginning to turn a little bit furry and was glowing with a strange green light.  
  
"Oh that's ok." Sirius said nonchalantly "There was nothing good in there anyway." Remus and Sirius' eyes met for a moment, Sirius' displaying no emotion before he turned away. Stella was looking slightly confused and worried, as if even she could sense that there was something wrong with Sirius' character but this was quickly replaced with a pink flush of pleasure as Sirius snaked an arm around her waist and placed his hand on her bottom, steering her gently out of the classroom.  
  
Remus was burning with anger, confusion and curiosity. Impatiently, he tidied the remaining items and hurried down to the front bench where Sirius' sketchpad still lay. Picking it up, he shoved it into his satchel and walked out of the classroom at a brisk pace. Peter was waiting outside but Remus just brushed past him, saying he was going to the library to do some research for the history project. Instead, he made a beeline for the Gryffindor boy's 6th form dormitories and once there he flopped onto his bed, pulling the curtains around and sealing them with a muttered spell. Carefully, he retrieved the still slightly glowing and more than slightly furry sketchbook from his bag and quickly leafed through it.  
  
What he saw shocked him. All the drawings on the original pages of the book were still there, but some pages had been ripped out while other drawings had been deformed or scribbled out with a thick black pencil. The extra pages that Sirius had been drawing on weren't there and Remus could imagine them, lying scrunched up at the bottom of a waste-paper bin. He closed the book and opened it again, looking at his face, blackened or with an extra nose, large erupting spots covering some of his foreheads, while in others he had a protruding horn or knife blade. All were drawn so realistically and with such an obvious passion that it made Remus shiver.  
  
On the fifth time he opened the book, he saw something he hadn't noticed before; right at the very back of the sketchbook, pushed in so far that you couldn't see it was there, was another page, an extra piece of paper. Eagerly and with trembling fingers, Remus pulled it out. On the page was the drawing that Sirius had been doing in potions. It was completed and Remus stared at it horrified. It was a drawing done in black pencil, the lines confident and bold, done with Sirius' usual vigour. It was a picture of two people on a bed, one of them obviously Sirius, the other a girl. It could have been any girl, with her long hair and her small bare, round breasts. Both figures eyes were closed and both were completely naked, their legs entwined and the bed covers rucked up beneath them. Sirius was on top, his mouth pressed against the anonymous girl's, her hand pressing in the small of his back, his arms lost behind her hair and the bedclothes. Remus could see the curve of her hips and the in way that they had been drawn you knew they were lifted off the bed, pressing up towards Sirius. The drawing hadn't been animated but Remus didn't need much of an imagination to picture the movement of the two bodies.  
  
He turned away in disgust, crumpling the page up in his hand, feeling that he was about to throw up. Carefully, he ripped it into tiny little squares, and, stepping out of his bed, he sprinkled them onto Sirius'. Then he placed the sketchbook on top.  
  
Sirius would not see how much he had got to Remus. He would not get the pleasure of seeing Remus' reaction, nor would Remus ever look or talk to Sirius again. He felt dead. It was as if the sketchbook had been the last straw and he was dying, retreating from the world that had brought him so much pain. He couldn't even cry as he lay back in bed, the curtains hiding him from everything, everyone. He didn't go down to supper, nor did he talk to the other two boys when they finally came into the dorms. He was silent as he listened to them changing, heard them chatting-Peter in a light, jolly way, Sirius with a strained air of carelessness. Remus didn't hear if Sirius had seen the scraps of paper on the bed, or if he had even tidied them up, but the next morning, by the time he got up they were gone and the bed looked neat and tidy as if they had never been there.


	10. developments

Over the following week, big changes occurred in the friendships of the marauders and the whole school was commenting on them. For one thing, the so-called inseparable marauders were now rarely seen together, if Remus was seen at all, and it was rumoured that they weren't even talking to each other.  
  
Peter denied this strongly, telling anyone who asked him that of course they were talking but that Remus and Sirius had taken James' injury very hard and were just coping in their own ways.  
  
Sirius of course spread the rumours, adding that there had been a huge fight and that Remus had said he hated James as well as broadcasting the fact that he _really wasn't_ talking to Remus.  
  
Remus, if anyone could find him to talk to, never said anything and just replied that if they were so interested they could go and ask Sirius or Peter.  
  
Remus was hardly ever seen now, disappearing as soon as the last lesson ended, skipping meals to hide in the library or to go for long walks around the school. He ate alone in the kitchens or didn't eat at all, depending on what he felt like. Mostly he didn't feel much so he didn't eat. Sometimes it felt like he was watching someone else living his life for him. He felt distant and apart from everything, as though none of it was really happening, and then at other times, he was all too aware of the fact that it was all real and that it was happening to him. It was as if he had a safety switch in his head; when too many emotions were threatening to explode, the switch just flipped and he was distant, numb to any pain he might be feeling. That is what happened the night when he looked through Sirius' sketchbook. All the shame, guilt, anger, confusion, hurt, and anguish caused by the events of the past week just built up until he could stand it no longer. He had almost made a conscious decision not to feel any more, to the flip the switch inside his head. That was why he skipped meals, avoided Peter, the whole school and especially Sirius Black. He didn't want to be forced into feeling again.  
  
Sirius was the opposite of Remus. When Sirius was overwhelmed with emotions, he tended to focus on one feeling and pour all his energy into that, ignoring the others with the policy that if he didn't acknowledge them, they didn't exist. So he was focusing on anger, anger at Remus for not sharing what he was so obviously hiding, anger at himself for handling the situation so insensitively and basically just anger at everything. Being Sirius, he ignored the other feelings of confusion, pain, guilt, sorrow, and didn't explore the reasons for his own self-hatred. Instead, he surrounded himself with adoring girls and resolved to forget about Remus, to forget about everything apart from himself and what he wanted, and at the moment he wanted what most 16-year-old boys wanted; sex. So with a mixture of stubbornness and plain pig-headedness, Sirius turned his back on Peter, Remus and his own true feelings and surprisingly, he was admired for it.  
  
Strangers approached him in the corridor, 'just to talk', people called out his name across the great hall, he could join any conversation and no one would object. He was an object of rumour and speculation, and after he moved on from Stella, to Emma and then onto Tracey, without so much as a pause or a 'how do you do?', the ordinary, everyday 'distant sex-god' Sirius Black rumours changed dramatically and it was said that he was making his way through most of the sixth year girls, and some of the seventh and fifth years too. The rumours were no secret to Sirius but he didn't seem to care, and no one knew whether they were true or not.  
  
Whichever way, Sirius now had girls flinging themselves at him in corridors and lessons, battling to sit next to him and to win his favour. The fact that he seemed slightly mad, drinking too much, and acting the daredevil as though he didn't care if he lived or died, didn't seem to put anyone off and by the second Friday after the potions incident, Sirius had already gotten through 4 girls, all very pretty, all very desirable, and now all incredibly obsessed with Sirius Black.  
  
Remus noticed all this-he would have to have been blind not to-with barely a flicker of emotion. But the scratches on his arms and legs and torso were getting longer and deeper, he was staying out later and avoiding people fanatically, ignoring them most of the time but when forced to talk answering only in grunts and monosyllables.  
  
The one thing that the marauders shared in common was the loss of James. He had been their friend, their leader and the glue that kept the group together. When Sirius got annoyed at Peter and an impending row looked inevitable, James would step in and smooth it over. When Remus' anti-social behaviour threatened to isolate him from everybody, James would be there to draw him out and reconnect him with the world. Barely a day went by without one of the marauders, unbeknownst by the others, went to see Professor Dumbledore to ask about James' condition. The news was always the same; slipping in and out of consciousness, talking in his sleep, not getting any better, not getting any worse, as soon as any information was available to the school, Sirius, Remus and Peter would be the first to know.

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"Remus, Sirius, Peter, Lily, please sit down. I am sure you know why I have called you here." Dumbledore stood in his office, surrounded by his silver instruments and portraits of old headmasters. It was 7 o'clock on a November Friday evening and outside little flurries of snowflakes were falling, some catching on the windows before melting and some making it to the ground and settling before turning to water and disappearing into the cold, hard earth. Sirius, Remus, Lily and Peter sat down hesitantly, their faces each mirroring the others although none of them were looking at their friends, their eyes being fixed on the long bearded gentleman in front of them.  
  
"We have had news, from St Mungos. James is fully awake and is beginning his recovery as from tomorrow."  
  
A little gasp came from Lily, who immediately covered her face with her hands to hide the range of emotions fleeting across it.  
  
"That's great!" gushed Peter, grinning around the room, oblivious to the grave expressions of his friends.  
  
"There's something else isn't there?" asked Sirius testily, absorbed in watching his teacher's face and completely forgetting about the beautiful young fifth year waiting downstairs for him, "what aren't you telling us?"  
  
Dumbledore sighed, and nodded, his eyes twinkling "Don't sound so accusing Sirius, it is nothing serious. James will not be coming back to school this term. St Mungos want to keep him in for observations for a while and then he will be going to his parents to recover fully."  
  
Sirius sat back in his chair, absorbing the information and it was Lily who spoke next, lifting her head from her hands and gazing at the headmaster with clear green eyes.  
  
"So we won't see him until January?!" she asked.  
  
"No, I'm afraid not."  
  
"But can't we go and visit him? I'm sure patients are allowed visitors at St Mungos. My aunt once had her hand turned into a pair of gardening shears and we were allowed to see her..."  
  
Dumbledore cut Peter off with a wave of his hand, "St Mungos have told me that James will be allowed no visitors outside of his family to visit him in hospital. Once he is at home, it is up to his parents to decide."  
  
"Megan and Humfrey are really nice, I'm sure we'll be allowed to" beamed Peter "And if we're not, January isn't that far off, is it?"  
  
No one answered. Remus shifted in his seat, his eyes fixed on the ground, his face not showing anything.  
  
"Right, well, if none of you have any more questions, you may leave." Dumbledore said gently. They all stood, not meeting each other eyes, despite Lily's attempts at catching Remus'. Just as they were making their way to the door, Dumbledore spoke again. "Sirius, Remus, may I request your company for a little longer, I think we need to talk."  
  
Sirius looked annoyed and Remus' eyes darted towards the door, as though calculating if he could make a dash for it. However, both boys returned reluctantly to their seats.  
  
The door had closed behind Lily, and Remus' heart began beating against his ribs. Now was his chance. Here he was, alone with Dumbledore and Sirius. He could tell them now. But almost immediately his mind rejected the idea-tell Sirius now? You wouldn't be able to see him for dust he'd be out of there so fast.  
  
Dumbledore began to talk. "I have noticed that in the recent couple of weeks following James'...accident, you have both been acting out of character. I wanted to take this chance to talk to you to ask if there is anything that is troubling you?"  
  
There was a silence, Sirius shifted in his chair and folded his arms over his chest pointedly.  
  
Dumbledore carried on, "I have heard rumours that you two had a big fight, a disagreement of some sort perhaps? Don't look so surprised Remus, I may be the headmaster, but that doesn't mean I don't catch what you students talk about in school. So, are the rumours true?"  
  
Remus formed the word 'no' but Sirius got there first; "Yes, they are true but I don't see how it is any business of yours. We can sort it out by ourselves."  
  
Dumbledore took this calmly and then turned his unfathomable blue eyes to Remus' golden ones, "What is your opinion Remus?"  
  
Remus averted his eyes, talking to the spot of wall behind Dumbledore's head. "Sirius and I had a row the night of James' accident. But everything is fine. Friendships can change professor, and perhaps our friendship has just run it's course and reached it's natural end. I don't think our relationship will ever be the same."  
  
It was the most Remus had spoken for two weeks, and he spoke it in such a quiet voice that had a hard edge to it, that it sent a shiver through Sirius and left Dumbledore struggling to find a reply. Remus stood up abruptly, "I think that will be all Professor?" he asked.  
  
Without waiting for an answer, he walked out of the room. Behind him he heard Dumbledore excuse Sirius and the sound of Sirius' shoes on the spiral staircase. He didn't turn around and coninued with such force that at the bottom, he almost sent someone flying as they stepped into his path. He grabbed their upper-arms to stop them tumbling backwards and his eyes met with a set of sparkling green ones.  
  
"Remus?" said Lily enquiringly, "Where are you going?"  
  
"Out" He let go of her arms and made to walk forewards, a restraining hand on his shoulder stopped him  
  
"Oh Remus, not tonight, you've been going out everynight for almost two weeks. It's freezing out there, you'll catch your death."  
  
"Good" he made a half-hearted attempt at shaking her off, but she stepped in front of him and her eyes were filled with pity and worry.  
  
"Oh Remus, what's wrong with you?"  
  
"Nothing, I'm fine ok? I'm glad that James is going to be ok, I'm pleased that Sirius has got another girlfriend, I'm happy for everyone ok? I'm happy, happy, happy. Look, I'm smiling" He forced his mouth into a fake grin.  
  
"Oh Remy." Lily's looked like she wanted to hug him and slap him at the same time. "Come up to the common room tonight. Please? For me. It'll be lovely. You won't be on your own and no one will force you to talk. Please?"  
  
Remus relented and allowed himself to be guided along corridors to the stifling Gryffindor common room. A fire was burning in the grate, and thousands of lamps bracketed to the wall sent flickering shadows across the walls. People doing homework, writing letters home, chatting to their friends, and generally just basking in the friendly, warm atmosphere filled the room, lounging in chairs and sofas, draped across the backs of them, on the arms, settled into squashy pouffes and on large floor cushions. Lily managed to find them some places on a sofa next to some people from their DADA class. Across the room, in a large, comfortable armchair, Sirius black was nestled with a tall, willowy girl who Remus recognized as Juliet. She was sitting across his lap and her head was bent close to his face, sirius' lips moving against her forhead and his hand tangled in her long, black hair. She laughed genlty and he tilted her head back, their lips meeting. Remus watched from his position on the sofa as Juliet shifted to get a better position, purposefully pushing against Sirius' groin, shoving her tongue into his mouth at the same time. Sirius responded by drawing her closer to him, his hand roving underneath her blouse as they coninued their make-out session. Slowly, Sirius moved from Juliet's lips along her jaw line, planting delicate butterfly kisses until he reached her neck. He looked like a vampire with his jet-black hair and pale skin, his eye sockets were cast in shadow and there was nothing soft about his deep, dark eyes as they met Remus' and he bent and sucked at Juliet's neck.  
  
Remus felt a tug on his robes and turned to look into Lily's eyes.  
  
"Remus?"  
  
He stood up abruptly, "Look, I'm really tired Lily, I think I'll go up to bed."  
  
Ignoring her hurt and confused eyes, he swept from the stifling room into the cool air of the stairs.

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Remus lay in bed, his scratches stinging. He listened as first Peter and then Sirius came up to bed. His hearing picked up when the last people left the common room, and then when the house elves came to clear and tidy. He heard the earliest risers getting up for breakfast, the rush of water in pipes as people took their morning showers, footsteps filled his ears as the school awoke and came to life. He waited until Sirius and Peter had left the room before dragging himself out of bed and dressing. It was Saturday, a Hogsmeade weekend as well. Remus decided on skipping breakfast, taking a long walk, spending the rest of the morning in the library and then maybe having a late lunch, however, when he reached the common room his plans were dashed by a certain red-head.  
  
"God remus, how long does it take you to get up in the mornings?" huffed Lily as she stood up from a sofa.  
  
"I thought the common room was empty." Said Remus stupidly. Lily's eyebrows quirked and she smiled slightly.  
  
"You are strange Remus. Oh well, grab your cloak and scarf from the dorms, I think we might just have enough time for breakfast if we hurry."  
  
"What are you talking about Lily?" Remus was being forced to engage with another human being and he wasn't sure he like it. "I've got plenty of time for breakfast."  
  
"Not if we're going to Hogsmeade, now go and get your stuff, I'll wait down here."  
  
"But I'm not going to Hogsmeade1" protested Remus "I'm staying here, I...I...I have homework to do"  
  
"Do it later! Now _hurry up_!!" 

Remus grumbled as he walked back up the stairs to retrieve his gloves, scarf and cloak.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
For the rest of the day, Remus followed Lily around Hogsmeade and was forced to partake in her merry chatter. Unwillingly, Remus was being drawn back out into the world.  
  
In the afternoon, exhausted, they entered a heaving Three Broomsticks, ordered two butterbeers and went and sat with a group of chattering seventh years who said 'hello' to Lily and shot a quizzicle look at Remus before returning to their discussion of the best form of revision technique.  
  
Lily and Remus sat in comfortable silence, letting their feet warm up and sipping at their butterbeers. The group of seventh years left, still arguing and a few pleasurable minutes went by before the door was opened and Sirius and Juliet walked in. Lily saw them and a smile creased her face, two dimples apearing in her cheeks.  
  
"Sirius! Juliet! Over here!"  
  
Sirius seemed to consider for a moment about coming over or not but after a second of internal debate, he crossed over to them, Juliet hanging off his arm.  
  
"Hey Lils, Remus. How are you?" the question was adressed to Lily but Sirius' eyes flicked to Remus while Lily was speaking. Remus didn't take his eyes off Sirius' face.  
  
"Huh? Sorry Lils, did you just say something? Mind elsewhere" Sirius smiled at her and Juliet laughed.  
  
"He's always daydreaming nowadays aren't you?" she said in a sugary sweet voice. A look of intense irritation passed over Sirius' features but he forced it into a smile, showing his teeth to her and squeezing her to his side. That one hasn't got long left, thought Remus. His heart was pumping fast in his chest. He hadn't been this close to Sirius, in a talking enviroment, since before James' accident. As though she could read his mind, Juliet spoke up.  
  
"It's great isn't it, about James recovering from his accident like that. A real miracle."  
  
Sirius shrugged her head off his shoulder and Remus could see he was trying to keep his temper. Juliet carried on oblivious.  
  
"It was terrible, the accident. I saw it all. Horrible. Poor James, he's so brave coping with it all. I wouldn't have been able to."  
  
"Firstly, it wasn't an accident. You say you saw the whole thing, then you can't have failed to notice the bitch that hit the bludger at his head. You make it sound like it was his fault, James didn't end up in hospital because he made a mistake Juliet, he was hit by a bludger from the side. Secondly, James doesn't have much of a choice about 'coping with it', unless you didn't know, james was in a coma until yesterday. And lastly, I'm sure a lot more people than just you are glad that it's not you lying in hospital because if it was then they wouldn't be able to watch this."  
  
At that point, a stricken Juliet looked around the room and realised that everyone was staring at her. Sirius' voice had got louder throughout his tirade but now he dropped it and bent close to her ear, "Goodbye Juliet" he whispered before sweeping out of the pub to a hushed audience.  
  
As soon as the door had stopped swinging and people had turned back to their drinks, Juliet burst into tears.  
  
"The bastard, the bastard" she choked as Lily moved around the table to comfort her. Remus stayed where he was, a sense of elation filling him. Hahahahahahahaha he felt like saying to her. And to Sirius. Look at you, you're falling apart, I'm not the only one going mad here. You're just doing it louder.


	11. old friends

**Hello again! this chapter is much longer than the others so i hope you like it. **

**Thanks to all my reviewers-you are lovely and i really appreciate the comments and support, keep reveiwing!**

**PanPanin british (Hogwarts is in Scotland) schools, the year is split into three terms-the autumn term, the summer term and the spring term. the autumn term is from september to december when the christmas holiday is. The spring term starts in January after the christmas holidays, so in chapter 10 when someone says that they won't see james until next term, it means that he's going to be away from school for november and december and will be back for the start of the spring term in january. i hope this has sorted it out for you. :)**

Sirius wasn't affected by the break-up at all. When Remus next saw him, he had a new girl on his arm. She wasn't particularly striking and Remus paid little attention to her, returning to his own thoughts.  
  
Although he now walked around with Lily instead of on his own, and had most of his meals in the great hall, and spent most of his evenings in the Gryffindor common room, he still felt as alone as ever, more so if possible. He turned inwards, reflecting on . When he could, he would escape Lily and her endless stream of conversation, and take a walk around the school. The nights were getting darker and colder and so Remus changed the walks from outside to inside. It was more fun this way as well. He didn't take the marauder's map with him and he had to dodge prefects and teachers, often hiding behind statues or pressing himself up against walls to escape their searching gazes.  
  
Sirius' new girlfriend lasted for about three days but on Wednesday morning she had disappeared to be replaced by, to the shock of all, a Slithering. She was almost the same height as Sirius, with long dark brown hair and glittering grey eyes that seemed to be challenging anyone to comment-if they dared. She was called Lola French and soon the name was buzzing on everyone's lips.  
  
That night, Remus decided to go out tonight as he knew that most of the Gryffindors would be decorating the common room-after all, Christmas was nearly a month away- and Remus couldn't bear the thought of decorating without James.  
  
Lily seemed to understand when he told her, but he still had a strange sense of guilt as he crept out of the room and into the corridors of the school. A cold wind whistled down the corridors and outside the sky was dark with only a scattering of stars. Remus wandered the school, and eventually he ended up, as he always did, outside room 30 on the third floor.  
  
He was standing silently outside the door when he heard an unmistakable sound. Someone's voice was coming from inside the room. Remus crept closer and pressed his ear against the door. The voice was masculine and as he listened Remus recognised the voice. Sirius. Remus backed away from the door without listening to the words. If he hadn't bolted down the corridor he would have heard Sirius shouting 'moony' as he came...  
  
Remus rushed down one corridor and then the next, oblivious as to where he was going. Now what does this remind me of? He thought as he turned another corner. It was exactly the same as he done on the night of Sirius and his argument. Remus could almost believe that if he went to the medical room, James would still be lying there with the St Mungos people bustling around him.  
  
When he finally stopped, it was only a floor above where he had started. He had come round in a massive loop. Remus walked to the end of the corridor and sat down in a window seat. His heart was pumping and he was out of breath and it took him a while to organise his thoughts. He was only one floor above where he had started. There were stairs to his left. Remus had an inner battle between curiosity and common sense. Curiosity won. Silently, he stood and walked down the stairs. He held his breath all along the third floor corridor until he was standing outside room 30. There was no talking behind the door and Remus was just thinking about leaving when he heard a sound. Someone was standing up inside the room and stumbling around. Remus could hear the stumbling footsteps and the muffled curses as the person tripped over things. He listened in silent fascination as the footsteps approached the door tripping over something at the last moment and falling into the oak panelling.  
  
It was only as the door handle began to turn that Remus realised he was standing directly opposite the door and that whoever opened it couldn't fail to see him. He thought of running but it was already too late; the door was opening and a dishevelled Sirius Black was appeared in the doorway. He looked terrible, his hair was messy and uncombed, his shirt was half open and hanging out of his trousers and his fly was undone. The effort of putting on his shoes had obviously proved too much for him and he was holding them in one hand, his socks stuffed into them. Despite his uncouth appearance, Sirius actually managed to look sexily dishevelled. He didn't notice Remus immediately. First, he turned around and, using his left hand-the one not holding the shoes- he shut the door to room 30. When he turned around again, pushing the hair out of his eyes, he came face to face with Remus.  
  
"Oh." He said, and Remus could smell the stink of alcohol on his breath.  
  
"Oh." Remus agreed, then added, "your fly's undone."  
  
Sirius looked down, and after placing his shoes on the floor, did up his fly. "Better?" he asked Remus, a smile playing around his mouth.  
  
Remus didn't know how to answer this question so he gave a non-committal shrug and turned to go, but before he could even begin to walk away, he felt a restraining hand placed on his shoulder. Sirius fell into him and he had to twist and catch him. Their noses were almost touching now and their eyes were locked. Sirius was not light and Remus was having trouble holding him upright.  
  
"What's wrong with me?" Sirius slurred, and Remus tried to pull his head back from the reek of the other boy's breath.  
  
"You're drunk" he said and pushed Sirius outwards, away from his chest. Sirius swayed for a moment but stayed upright.  
  
"You hate me." He said carefully after a moment of silence. "You hate James as well. Why do you hate us Moony?"  
  
Remus was starting to think that coming down here had not been such a good idea after all. Sirius was obviously drunk and a drunk Sirius was dangerous to be around. Snape had learnt that to his cost. Remus started to back away but Sirius spoke again, his voice louder.  
  
"You think you're too good for me. You're too good for anyone."  
  
"No—"Remus started to say before he was cut off.  
  
"Well you're not." Sirius took an unsteady step forward. "You're not. How many girlfriends have you had? None. I've had...I've had...six." He looked at his fingers, murmured, "no, that's not right" before taking another shaky step.  
  
"You're not too good for me Remus Lupin"-Remus was surprised that in his drunken state, Sirius had managed to remember his name-"No-one's too good for me."  
  
Another shaky step, Remus couldn't help thinking how long this would have to go on for. How wide were these corridors?  
  
"I've had everyone," Sirius said "I've had everyone and now" another step, more confident this time. "Now, I want you."  
  
Sirius' arms wrapped around Remus, bringing him almost tenderly to his chest and bent his head, his mouth enveloping Remus'. Remus was aware of how soft Sirius' lips were and how dry and chapped his own felt against their surface. Sirius had his eyes closed but Remus was too surprised to even think about it. They were stumbling backwards, Sirius' force and weight too much for Remus, and suddenly they hit the other side of the corridor. Finally, thought Remus, even as panic enveloped him. Sirius' grip was too tight; it was squeezing the breath out of him. Sirius smelt of booze and sex and he was trying to deepen the kiss, to force his tongue between Remus' clenched teeth.  
  
But over the panic, stronger than it, was a terrible anger. An anger that Remus had felt before only in his wolf form. It tore through his veins and turned his vision red. Who was Sirius to do this to him? It had happened once and Remus vowed that it would never happen again. The image of Sirius' face, the day of their row, swam behind Remus' eyes. He wanted to feel that sort of power again. He brought his knee up sharply, pushing outwards at the same time with his whole body. Sirius doubled over in pain, stumbling backwards. He didn't resist as Remus kicked him to the floor and began to punch at Sirius' face, torso. Any bit of Sirius that Remus could feel, he hit. The darkness was all around them and it was just Sirius and Remus, nothing else existed outside of their own little bubble.  
  
Then, as suddenly as the anger had come, it disappeared, leaving behind it a washed out Remus. He felt exhausted and his arms ached. He fell next to the barely conscious Sirius and willed sleep to take him, to make what he had just done go away. But sleep was not so obliging and after a few minutes, Remus picked himself up. He couldn't take Sirius to the medical room; there would be too many questions. Likewise he couldn't take him to the Gryffindor tower. But he would have to choose one of them. In the end, he chose the dormitories. He didn't think that he had hurt Sirius too badly. Nothing a quick charm and a potion couldn't fix. Scrabbling around on the floor, he found both the shoes and one sock. Tying the laces and stuffing the sock in his pocket, he flung the shoes around his neck and bent to pick up Sirius. Sirius was still conscious but he wasn't wasting his energy on speaking. As he leaned almost all of his weight onto Remus and they started the long walk to the dormitories, he only said one word.  
  
"Why?"

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A gasp went up as Remus pushed the portrait hole open and staggered in with Sirius. The common room was filled with charmed tinsel and baubles, banners bearing the Gryffindor lion hung merrily from the ceiling and someone had given all the lions santa claus hats.  
  
Vaguely, Remus thought how rediculous it was to be decorating for christmas when it was over a month away.  
  
It had taken Remus almost half an hour to do what would have normally been a 10 minute walk. Sirius had been no help, stumbling and triping over his own feet, sometimes falling asleep even as they were moving so that Remus had to shake him awake. Finally they had got to the portrait hall and Remus couldn't even remember the password. After a couple of minutes, he remembered and they were in.  
  
"What happened?!" asked Lily as she rushed over, pushing her way through the crown already beginning to gather around the two boys.  
  
"Had a fight." Grunted Remus, trying to move forwards. The stairs to the dorms were only a few metres away, if only these stupid people would move.  
  
Lily's forehead creased with slight worry but she said no more as she and Peter, who had left his divination homework to help, cleared the people out of Remus' way.  
  
"Thanks"  
  
They all worked together to half carry, half drag Sirius up the stairs until he was lying on his bed in the boys dorms. Remus had to admit, Sirius looked pretty bad. In the light of the lamps, Sirius' injuries became startlingly visible. He had a cut lip and two black eyes and blood was congealing on his top lip and around his nose. Bruises were blossoming on his arms and chest and there was a long red line across his neck where Remus must have scratched him.  
  
"God Moony, what have you done?" breathed Peter, sitting down on the bed.  
  
"Did you beat him up?" asked Lily, not sure if she really wanted an answer, "there's not a scratch on you"  
  
"I didn't mean to" Remus began "It just, happened"  
  
The mixture of the alcohol and the fight had caused Sirius to pass out. After Lily had left and Remus disappeared behind his drapes, Peter undressed Sirius and put him to bed. Then he turned out the light.

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The next morning, the whole school was talking about what had happened between Remus and Sirius the night before. Rumours were flying around the great hall; Sirius was in St Mungos, Sirius had died, no no they were all wrong, it was Remus who was in St Mungos with a head the size of a mouse's.  
  
Remus hadn't been going to go down to breakfast but when he came down to the common room, Peter and Lily were waiting for him. They frog marched him down the corridors with him protesting the whole way.  
  
"No! Stop it. Look, I'll just stay in the dorms and wait until Sirius wakes up and I'll explain to him..."  
  
"You don't think we'd leave you alone with Sirius after what happened last night do you?" Lily said "as soon as Peter has helped me get you into the Great hall, he's going back to Sirius."  
  
"But, but..." Remus could see the doors to the great hall fast approaching and he tried to dig his heels in but he was forcibly dragged towards them. "I don't want to!" he said pleadingly to Peter but Peter just smirked and pulled open the door.  
  
"You have to face them at one time or another" whispered Lily and gave him a small push in the back. Once everyone had seen who it was in the doorway, all conversation ceased. Even the teachers watched as Remus walked to the Gryffindor table and sat down. The hairs at the back of his neck were tingling and he knew he wouldn't be able to eat a thing. Lily sat down next to him and smiled warmly but Remus could only manage a weak puckering at the corners of his mouth before he gave up. The truth was, he felt terrible and he knew he looked it too. He had slept really badly that night and had tossed and turned, unable to get the kiss out of his mind. When he had finally drifted to sleep, it was filled with nightmares. In his dreams, the Sirius of that night blended with the sirius of the full moon. He was covered in blood and bruises and cuts and he kept trying to kiss Remus. Remus woke up sweating and had thrown off his covers and lain there until morning.  
  
As talking resumed in the great hall, Remus knew that most of the conversation topics would include him and it didn't give him a very comfortable feeling. In fact, he felt quite sick.  
  
"Lily, I have to, I have to go" Remus managed before he ran out of the great hall, followed by every pair of eyes.  
  
Remus ran outside into the cold air, the frosty grass crunching under every footfall and his breath making little puffs of steam as he jogged away from the castle. As he got further away from the heat and noise of the school, he began to think. I need somewhere to be alone, he thought, somewhere where no one will come looking for me, where I can be by myself. He found himself heading in the direction of the shrieking shack.

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Remus had never been inside the shrieking shack outside of a full moon before. Somehow it seemed weird climbing through the trap door into sunlight rather than shadows and gloom. The shrieking shack wasn't any warmer than outside and Remus spent all day wandering between the rooms, trying to keep himself warm. He didn't mind, it gave him time to reflect on everything that had happened to him over the past weeks. Not that he hadn't been thinking about that anyway. It was hard not to, he was always thinking about the night he almost killed Sirius, or the Quidditch match where James had nearly died, or the row with Sirius. And being raped, he was always thinking about being raped or about telling someone he'd been raped. But how would it sound, how would he say it. He practised it as he wandered aimlessly.  
  
"Oh yeah, and by the way Professor Dumbledore, a couple of weeks ago I was raped by a girl."  
  
"Sirius. The reason I've been acting so strange lately is because I was raped. By Branwen. That's not the only reason, although I'm not sure what else, why I'm so. The sketchbook, that really fucked me up, oh and almost killing you-by the way did I say I was sorry?-and James getting almost killed by Branwen, which wouldn't have happened if I had just told you about this sooner isn't that funny? Oh, and by the way, I don't actually hate you, I'm in love with you. Is that ok?"  
  
Remus slumped against a handy nearby wall and put his head in his hands. And last night. That kiss. Why did Sirius keep doing this to him? Just when he'd convinced himself of one thing, Sirius would change again and everything would be upside down. And the kiss had reminded him of Branwen. He had panicked and then. And then. Oh my god, what had he done?  
  
"Shit, shit, shit, shit."  
  
Most of his day was spent like this. Talking to himself, his mad ramblings filling the empty rooms as he walked past the shattered furniture and the bloody stains.  
  
It was while he was doing this that something occurred to him. Something so terrible and mind shattering and world- apart-blowing that he was forced to stop in his tracks.  
  
"Shiiiiiiiiiit"  
  
He had _bitten_ Sirius. Sure, Sirius had been in his dog form at the time, but he had turned back to human almost immediately. What if, what if he had made Sirius a werewolf.  
  
Remus would be expelled, his life would be over. Being a werewolf was one thing, but being a werewolf who had bitten another person was something entirely different. He would be completely ostracised. He might even be shot with a silver bullet. It would be the end.  
  
He could have stayed there, thinking, hating himself, for longer but at 6 o'clock he was forced to leave out of sheer hunger. He knew that Lily would kill him for skipping all his lessons but he didn't care.  
  
Wearily, he trudged back up to the castle, ignoring the third years who whispered and pointed as he walked by. He grabbed something from the kitchen and then headed up to the dorms. He found he was exhausted.  
  
When he entered the dormitory, he was surprised to be confronted by three pale, worried faces.  
  
"Where have you been?" asked Lily, getting up from Sirius' bed and coming towards him.  
  
Remus just walked over to his bed but not before his eyes darted disbelievingly towards Sirius.  
  
"Yes, even me, because I am such a kind and generous soul I am willing to forgive you for the horrible things you did to me last night."  
  
Sirius didn't have a scratch on him, even his hair was neat and tidy in dark waves next to his head. He smiled nervously in Remus' direction but Remus was too busy trying to still his panicked heart that he didn't notice. For some reason it hadn't occurred to him that Sirius might remember anything. And now, he would have told them and they would all think he was a complete homophobe. How ironic.  
  
But Sirius wasn't finished, "Anyway, I'm sure that I deserved it"  
  
While Remus was looking around confusedly, Peter spoke.  
  
"But that's exactly the thing" he said, "What exactly did Sirius do to warrant such a beating. I know he's and annoying bastard"-Sirius threw a pillow at the side of Peter's head-"and I myself have wanted to slap him once or twice, but seriously. He was pulp last night. And he can't even remember what happened."  
  
"Care to enlighten us?" Sirius said, raising one eyebrow.  
  
"I-I" Remus struggled for words but it was hard to think over the screaming of his brain "I can't"  
  
He turned and dived into bed, snatching the curtains closed around him. A moment later his hand reappeared, picked up his wand and the pile of pyjamas off the floor and then retreated back into the bed. The others heard a muttered locking charm and then a silencing charm before Lily stood up.  
  
"Well that was hopeless" she sighed.  
  
"Are you sure you can't remember Padfoot?" Peter tried  
  
"I told you, I don't even remember leaving room 30, let alone meeting Remus and getting beaten to a pulp. I must have been sooo drunk"  
  
Lily smiled and headed off to the girl's dorms and Peter switched off the light.  
  
However, there was only one boy sleeping in the boy's dorm that night.


	12. the showers

**Hello! chapter 12 is here. I'm going on holiday for 4 weeks(camping, then cornwall with my family) so chapter 13 won't be up until september at least. Thanks to all my reviewers and to the rest of you, don't forget to review on your way out-even if you didn't like it! it's the only way i'll get to know what i'm doing wrong and what i'm doing right. **

**this has been a quite depressing fic but i promise that Remus and Sirius will get a happy ending! also, to all those people hoping that Remus will tell Sirius-have patience! **

**PanPan-yes, i live in Britain, in London to be precise. :)**

**Okaishichan, sbxrl4eva-of course Remus and Sirius are going to get together! this wouldn't be a REmus/Sirius fic if they didn't ;)**

**what does MWPP mean?**

On Saturday, Sirius went down to breakfast with the rest of the marauders. Peter had forced Remus out of bed otherwise he wouldn't have come at all. To compensate the fact, he was studiously ignoring his friends and only realised that they had all stopped talking when Lily's hand found his knee and squeezed it under the table. He looked up, surprised, to find that Lola was standing behind a very tense Sirius with her hands on his shoulders and her head bent to his ear, whispering something that Remus didn't even bother trying to hear-it was bound to be sweet meaningless drivel. Instead, he let his attention drift to Sirius' face and it was then he realised why Lily had squeezed his knee. The look on Sirius' face was the same dangerous, annoyed look that he had worn just before he dumped Juliet. Something bad was about to happen. For Lorna at least.  
  
"Would you please get off." Sirius' voice was low and barely audible but carried the undertones of feral anger that Remus knew so well.  
  
"What's the matter babes?" she said, not picking up on the tone of his voice "Do you have bruises? I heard what Lupin did to you on Wednesday."- her eyes glanced contemptuously towards Remus- "I knew I should never have left you alone." She paused and Remus thought that maybe she had noticed Sirius' friends' horrified faces and had taken the hint, however she carried on, "Never mind, shall I kiss it better for you?"  
  
What is it with girls? Thought Remus, why are they so thick? I thought they were supposed to be able to pick up on feelings and unspoken thoughts. If I was her, I'd be running so fast away from here.  
  
Sirius' face was glowering and everyone around him could see that he was about to say something that no one wanted to hear. Even people who weren't his friends were edging away and giving Lola pitying looks.  
  
"I don't need you to kiss anything for me. Just fuck off you little slut. You know nothing about what happened on Wednesday so just shut up. And I doubt that even if you had been there you could have prevented what occurred."  
  
Lola's eyes widened slightly and she let go of his shoulders. "Ooh, look who's using big words now."  
  
Sirius stood up and faced her "Maybe I should use smaller ones so that you can understand. Ok, hmm, let me see. Fuck. Off. That better for you?"  
  
Lola's cheeks flushed but she didn't go away "Fine, I'm leaving. But I have my own theory about what happened on Wednesday. How about you two weren't fighting? I hear from my good friend Branwen that Lupin's quite an easy fuck. Maybe you just couldn't resist eh?"  
  
Remus felt as though the bottom of his stomach had fallen out. He was either going to be violently sick or was going to start screaming. And once he started, Remus knew he wouldn't be able to stop. He had to get away from there, it felt like everyone was looking at him, they all knew. He dug his nails into his arm and stood up abruptly, ignoring Lily and Peter's startled expressions.  
  
Sirius' face turned a dark shade of red and he only hesitated a moment before answering Lola. "That's bollocks"  
  
"Oh is it? You're friend begs to differ."  
  
Sirius turned around just in time to see Remus running out of the Great Hall. "What the..."  
  
Lola's tinny laugh echoed in Sirius' ears as she walked over to the Slytherin table and smacked hands with Branwen.

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"Remus? Remus we know you're in here."  
  
"You can't spend another day skipping lessons. Professor Flitwick will have a fit if you miss charms again."  
  
"Why did you run off like that? Is it true, what Lola said?"  
  
"Shhh Sirius, you're not helping"  
  
"Aw come on, he can't avoid us forever. Remus!"  
  
Remus huddled further back into his hiding place in the Library. Why had he come here? It was so predictable. He should have gone to the dungeons, or the shrieking shack. Not the Library.  
  
"Ah ha! Found him!" Peter called. The others came, first Lily, then Sirius.  
  
"Come on, we're already late for first lesson."  
  
Remus stood up, glaring at his friends. They were the people he least wanted to see.  
  
"I'm not coming. Just tell them I'm ill."  
  
"Come on, what's the matter? Lola's a bitch, just ignore her."  
  
"Unless he can't, unless it's true."  
  
"Sirius!"  
  
"Well, is it?" Remus didn't say anything so Sirius repeated himself "Is it?"  
  
"NO! ok? Of course it's not fucking true. Can't you just ever leave me alone? Go fuck yourself Sirius, or get someone else to do it for you."  
  
With that he ran out of the Library, leaving his friends standing looking aghast by a bookshelf.  
  
"Oh Sirius. Don't you know when to leave something?" sighed Lily before they followed Remus out.

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In the end, Remus did go to his lessons. However, he ignored Sirius' repeated attempts at apologising and just concentrated on the work in hand.  
  
Whenever he saw Sirius approaching, he would walk in the opposite direction, or jump onto a moving staircase, or completely ignore him. Sirius was not one to be put off easily however and doggedly followed him until he managed to corner him just after lunch.  
  
"Finally. Hold on a sec. All I wanted to say to you was sorry. I was stupid to even consider what Lola said. She's a complete bitch and she just said it to get at me. It was cheap and I know that you would never let anything like that happen. Friends again?"  
  
Remus stared at the proffered hand, looked at Sirius' face and walked off.  
  
"Moony! Hey Moony, wait!" Sirius jogged to catch up with the fast moving werewolf. "Come on! Are you still cross with me about Wednesday? 'Cos I swear to you, I have no idea what I did. Tell me so I can say sorry again."  
  
Remus continued walking, ignoring Sirius completely, looking for all the world as though he was intent on getting to his next lesson.  
  
"Shit Remus, how am I supposed to say sorry if I don't even know what I did?"  
  
Remus stopped suddenly, and Sirius nearly tripped over him.  
  
"You really want to know? Nothing. You did nothing. Now bugger off." Remus started walking again.  
  
"I don't understand you Moony. You've changed so much. What is wrong with you?"  
  
"You. That's what's wrong with me. Just get out of my face, get out of my head Sirius."  
  
"Fine, ok, if that's what you want. But I can't get out of your head Remus. You put me there."  
  
With that, Sirius turned and walked off. He wasn't in any of their lessons that afternoon and Remus didn't see him again until that evening. Neither of them talked to each other and Lily and Peter had a hard job of pretending that everything was fine and normal, chatting twice as much to make up for the awkward silence between Sirius and Remus.  
  
They all went to bed early.

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The next day was Saturday. Although Remus walked around with his friends instead of on his own, he didn't talk to any of them and answered only in simple sentences or single words.  
  
It was as though Sirius had never been away. He had slipped back into the group so easily and was chatting and laughing with them so normally, that people began to forget that for the past couple of weeks he hadn't been seen without a girl attached to his mouth. Not that Sirius' friends ever talked about all the girls that Sirius had got through. It was a strictly verboten subject; they didn't mention Lola or Juliet or Stella or Emma, neither did they ask what he'd done with them. Nothing changed and yet everything had changed.  
  
Remus couldn't stand not talking about what had happened and not talking about not talking about what had happened. After keeping so many secrets for so long, he felt like he was going to go crazy if there was one more thing that he didn't talk about. He hated himself for not being glad that Sirius was back, and he hated the way that he himself was acting. At the beginning of the school year, he hardly ever swore. Now, he was swearing all the time and for the smallest reason. He was still scratching himself, but he wasn't doing it as hard or as deep as he had done in the past. Now he was doing it almost all the time; under the table at meals, during conversations, in bed at night, in the common room. It was as though he wanted someone to notice it and ask him what he was doing, although of course if they did he would only reply that he had a rash. He was also showering more than was necessary, taking long showers and scrubbing feverously at his perfectly clean skin.

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This continued for the next few days. Sirius never spoke again about Wednesday and Remus assumed that he had forgotten about it. But he hadn't.  
  
On Monday, after Supper and homework had been got out of the way, Remus was in the showers.  
  
The Gryffindor showers were thankfully free of the colours red and gold. They were a sight for sore eyes, after having to look at red and gold wallpaper, red and gold furniture, red and gold drapes and cushions and covers and ties. The tiles in the sixth year boys bathroom were blue and white, with a charm spelled into them that made sure that no one slipped on their wet surfaces. There were no private showers, just a long line of shower heads above a drain, with benches and hooks to leave towels and robes on.  
  
Remus stood under the hot shower, his arms up to the ceiling, his back to the door, welcoming the rush of water that rained like hot needles over his sore and tired body. His cuts and scratches stung but he ignored them, closing his eyes and letting the water run across his face, eyes and lips. The sound of rushing water filled his ears and he did not hear another person enter. The next day would be the full moon. Remus could feel the wolf inside him, ready to burst out, once the sun had set and the moon had risen. He was always on edge just before a full moon but tonight he was more so than usual. It must have something to do with al the rows he had been having and the fight with Sirius on Wednesday.  
  
So wrapped up in his thoughts was Remus that he didn't hear the shocked rush of escaping air from someone's lips and the quiet pat of feet across wet tiles. He only realised that he wasn't alone when he felt a hand touch him on the shoulder. Wheeling around, he had pushed the person to the floor and was crouching over them, pinning their shoulders to the floor before he even had time to think.  
  
"Shit Remus," whispered Sirius, his eyes wide with shock, "James was right. What have you done to yourself?"  
  
The hot water was pounding on Remus' back and trickling through his hair to drip onto Sirius' face. Remus knew that he should get up and step away but the wolf inside him wasn't so willing to give up his prey. Besides, Remus had just noticed the scar on Sirius' left shoulder. It was long and curved and arced from the bottom of Sirius' collar bone to the edge of his shoulder and probably carried on across his back. It was a dull purple colour and Remus had to stop himself from running his finger along it's bumpy surface. I did that, he thought, I did that last full moon. A month tomorrow.  
  
"Gonna beat me up then?" Sirius asked. The shock had gone from his face and now his eyes were filled with a mischievous mocking look, one eyebrow arched carefully.  
  
Remus was suddenly aware of how naked they both were. The shower had stopped and he could feel the cold air on his ass, his balls were dangling dangerously close to Sirius' crotch. He got up jerkily and then put out his hand out to help Sirius up. Sirius started to push himself off the ground and began to talk with his face away from Remus.  
  
"Is that all it takes then, one touch and you're beating me up?"  
  
"You know it's close to the full moon, I'm dangerous. You shouldn't surprise me."  
  
Remus turned around and reached for his towel.  
  
"Is it? I didn't realise. Wasn't a full moon on Wednesday though was it?"  
  
Remus didn't answer and proceeded to wrap the towel around his waist with his back still turned to Sirius.  
  
"Are you ever going to tell me what I did? Did I accidentally bump into you? Or maybe I trod on your toe."  
  
"You kissed me."  
  
Remus said it so quietly that Sirius didn't hear it. He stopped in the middle of his rant.  
  
"What?"  
  
Remus turned around to face Sirius.  
  
"You kissed me." He said, his voice echoing off the tiles.  
  
"I, I kissed you?" Sirius' face had gone bright red and Remus could tell that his brain was working frantically, trying to think of something clever to say. "I kissed you."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I kissed you and you beat me up?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
A small smile twitched at the corners of Sirius' mouth. "Most people would consider themselves lucky to get a kiss from me."  
  
Remus tried to control the anger building up inside him. "You just don't get it do you? You were drunk; you were stumbling all over the place, you stank of booze and sex. You were saying things that didn't join up; about James, about me. Right before you kissed me, you said 'I've had everyone, and now I want you.' Do you know how it feels to be treated like an object? You had me up against a wall, Sirius. A wall. I couldn't even breathe."  
  
Sirius' face was a mixture of emotions. Remus watched as Sirius fought an internal battle between seriousness and humour to cover his embarrassment.  
  
"So you can't say you wouldn't want to try it again when I'm sober?"  
  
Remus walked out of the room in disgust.  
  
In the bathroom, the colours red and gold returned. Gold taps with small red lions on the screws. One wall was covered in toilet cubicles, there were urinals on the wall next to the door to the showers, on the right hand wall there was the line of sinks and mirrors.  
  
As Remus walked past the mirrors, he caught sight of himself. God, what must Sirius have thought? he wondered as he was forced to stop and stare at his torso. The skin on his torso was pale and blotchy from the hot water and was criss-crossed with scratches and cuts and small white scars from past full-moons.  
  
"Remus!" Sirius came through the door from the showers, his red towel tied around his waist "Wait!" he seemed surprised to see Remus in the bathroom.  
  
"Stay away from me!" Remus turned from the mirrors and backed off "I'm warning you Sirius, don't touch me!" He could feel a massive headache coming on and he felt sick.  
  
"Don't worry," Sirius put his hands up in the air, "I'm not going to make that mistake again." His right hand stroked his shoulder absentmindedly.  
  
"oh fuck." Remus put his face in his hands. His headache was getting worse and he really was going to be sick. "I bit you."  
  
"Yeah," said Sirius, unsure of whether he should go and comfort his friend "I couldn't help but notice."  
  
"No," Remus shook his head, winced in pain and looked up, "I bit you"  
  
Sirius suddenly realised what Remus was saying. His eyes grew wide and he licked his lip nervously, "Yeah, but I was a, I was Padfoot."  
  
"But you turned straight back after I bit you."  
  
"So you think, can that happen?"  
  
"I don't know." Remus could feel himself weakening and he was going to throw up if he didn't lye down soon. "I don't know if an animagi has ever been bitten before."  
  
"But if I'm, if you've...You'll be killed."  
  
Remus nodded his head tiredly.  
  
"But I can't be!" Sirius said desperately, "I can't!"  
  
Remus looked up from the ground, "And why not? You're not invincible, Sirius Black." He carried on, softer, "Anyway, I've coped."  
  
"But I'm not you!" burst Sirius and Remus was surprised to see there were tears in his eyes.  
  
A voice at the back of his head was saying that he was wrong to scare Sirius, that of course Sirius wasn't a werewolf. Remus should stay and comfort him. But his headache had spread from his temples to the back of his eyes and it was so bad that he could barely see. He really was about to faint or be sick or both if he didn't get to his bed.  
  
"Bye Sirius" he said weakly as he walked out of the door.  
  
This time, Sirius didn't follow him.

**T.B.C**


	13. Into the night

**so i'm back from my holidays. and i've updated. **

**thanks to all my lovely reveiwers-you're so encouraging!:D**

**to those returning, if you haven't read the bit about sirius being a werewolf (or is he?) in the last chapter then you need to go back. i added it at a later date.**

**the reason that there is a couple of gaps with the words 'to indicate the passing of time' is because i couldn't get the editor thingy to let me put in little squiggles or dashes to indicate the passing of time. so i had to write it. :S**

**anyway, sorry for all this preamble, please read on. **

The next morning, Remus couldn't even get out of bed. The headache that had started the night before had turned into a full-blown migraine behind his eyes and at his temples. His lips felt crusty and sore, as if he had been chewing them in his sleep and he couldn't have opened his eyes if he had wanted to. He lay very still, breathing shallowly as even the slightest movement caused a wave of nausea to sweep through his entire body. After what felt like hours but was probably only 30 minutes, Remus managed to open his eyes and lift his wrist in front of his face so he could check the time.

Unlike most wizards, Remus carried a watch. His father had bought it for him from a small electrical shop in Newcastle. Remus couldn't remember why they were there but he knew that he had been very small and his mother had been against buying it. "He'll just lose it," she said "And besides, he can't even tell the time." Remus' father had bought it anyway and Remus had learnt to tell the time within the week. Now, as he looked blearily at it's cracked and worn face, he saw that it was 4:45. For the next 3 hours, Remus lay in bed, hardly breathing, trying to ignore the pain and to think about things other than Sirius and the night before.

This proved impossible. The images were like and old film in his head, flickering from one disjointed scene to the next and not making any real sense. The night before, Sirius had been a prick-what was new-but even in his own state of dismal self-pity, Remus felt sorry for him. Sirius liked to think of himself as a sensitive artiste and was good at picking up on other people's moods and feelings, and comforting them. But he wasn't very good at picking up on his own feelings. Yesterday, and in fact since James' injury, Sirius had been acting a bit like a lost and confused little boy. He ran from one comfort to another-girls, sex, booze- hiding and pretending to himself and those around him that he was carefree and in control when all the while he didn't understand his mixed emotions and he knew that he was careering out of control. Last night, Sirius had tried to cover up his confusion and distress with coarse jokes and bad 'humour'. It was the way that Sirius dealt with all uncomfortable situations and was what caused the other half of the school who didn't love him, to hate him.

I surprised him, thought Remus gloomily, I was too blunt. I should have built up to it slowly, let him into it gently. What did I think he would say when I told him I beat him up because he'd kissed me? What would I have said?

And the whole Werewolf thing. It was stupid. It was stupid and pointless and one of the most bastardish things I could have said. I wanted to hurt him, shock him. Make him stop for a second and have to contemplate the same terrible future of prejudice and exclusion that I have to.

Of course Sirius isn't a werewolf. If he was he would have known about it before now. He would have felt the wolf growing inside him, slowly, slowly, like a baby that you carry in the centre of your being, steadily preparing for the full moon. And right now he'd be in agony. It's terrible the first time. He'd be new to the pain wracking his body, he'd not have that layer of old skin that builds up inside you to protect you from the pain; I'd be able to hear his groans of pain from my bed.

If he's in his bed.

Remus turned over carefully. His migraine was receding and as he turned onto his side he glanced at his watch-it was 7 o'clock. If he felt well enough to go to breakfast, he'd have to get up soon.

In the bed next to his, there was nothing. The covers were slightly rumpled but otherwise unslept in and the pyjamas were still in a true Sirius-style pile at the end on the floor.

Where had Sirius gone the night before? Remus couldn't think. He'd been in such pain last night that all he managed to do was cast a silencing charm around his bed before he fell into his nest of agony. He didn't know if Sirius had gone to bed, or stayed in the bathrooms or gone down to the common room. Sirius could have left the school for all that Remus would have known about it.

"God" groaned Remus as this new thought entered his head. He'd better not have left the school. Clenching his jaw to stop any moans of pain escaping his lips, Remus gently slid out of bed. As he got dressed in silence, Remus watched the sleeping Peter.

I barely know him, he thought as Peter turned over in his sleep, mumbling something about frogs. I've walked around with him, crept along the secret passages with him, spent every full moon with him, and sat next to him at most meals for the past 5 ½ years, and yet I hardly know anything about him. What's his favourite colour? What kind of boxers does he wear? What does he want to be when he grows up? What did he get from his parents for his 11th birthday?

How did this happen? How can you know someone for almost 6 years and not know these sort of trivial questions about them?

I know them about Sirius;

Blacky-blue (the colour of night skies, ravens' feathers and bruises.), cotton ones-his favourites are the tartan ones that James gave him for Christmas in our second year, an auror, a huge bedspread and hangings that he burnt in a massive bonfire that got the muggle police to come to his road.

Remus shook his head. I'll make sure that I find them out about Peter. He's ignored too much in our group. It's not good for a person to be so overlooked. It does things to them. If we don't watch out, Peter might turn into a complete sociopath.

The corners of Remus' mouth curled imperceptibly at the thought of Peter being dangerous. Then his thoughts turned once again.

But for now Sirius is my priority. I need to find him.

Remus spent the next hour and a half before breakfast fruitlessly searching the halls and corridors of the school, checking every cupboard and hidden nook. But there was no Sirius. When the stairs started filling up with hungry students making their way towards the great hall, Remus followed them, his stomach growling and protesting at the lack of food it was receiving.

At the Gryffindor table, there was no Sirius either. Lily and Peter were sitting together, talking to each other conspiratorially but stopped immediately when Remus came over.

"Oh hey Remus," said Lily guiltily "We were just talking about you."

"Where's Sirius?" asked Peter, passing Remus the jug of Pumpkin juice as he sat down, "We thought he must be with you."

"Well he wasn't," said Remus, pouring the juice into a glass, "In fact I was out looking for him."

He paused, unsure of whether to go on and then continued in a rush of words, "We had a row last night and we both said some pretty bad things, I don't know if he went to bed last night but he wasn't there this morning so I went looking for him. I didn't find him"

"Shite" Lily blew air out of her cheeks. "If James was here none of this would have happened."

"What sort of argument?" Peter asked suspiciously "You must have said something terrible to make Sirius disappear."

"I did" said Remus, staring dispiritedly into his glass of pumpkin juice. The other two waited for him to go on. He looked up, "I don't want to talk about it right now, maybe later?"

His friends looked slightly disappointed but they just shrugged their shoulders and looked back at their forgotten breakfasts. The great hall was emptying rapidly and after a couple of minutes of sitting in silence, Peter left, muttering about homework and parchment.

Lily spoke again, "He better show up at lessons. I'm surprised you two haven't been called into Dumbledore's office to talk about all the work you've been missing. You're going to fail your NEWTs if you don't start working."

Remus made an I-don't-know sort of grunt. To tell the truth he hadn't thought about why he hadn't been called to see the headmaster. Anyone could see that something was wrong with him and at least one teacher must have commented on all the lessons he had been missing. It was unusual for the old Professor not to notice such big disturbances among his pupils.

Maybe he thinks we can work it out better on our own, thought Remus. Lily interrupted his thoughts once again by standing up to leave.

"Well, I just hope he doesn't do anything stupid, that's all." She sighed and picked up her bag, "Don't forget to come to lessons ok?"

"Sure."

"I'll see you in potions before lunch; I have Runes and muggle studies first."

"Cool, ok"

Remus was left on his own at the Gryffindor table as the rest of the sixth years left and only a few late-breakfasters stayed behind, dotted along the tables.

Just as Remus was draining the last of his juice, a shadow fell over him. His whole body tensed as he listened to the breathing of the person behind him. After a couple of seconds, a piece of paper floated down onto the table. He didn't dare look behind him and only once he had heard the footsteps leave did he pick up the note between his trembling fingers.

_Tonite, same place, 8 o'clock. you wont need supper_

Something twisted in his stomach and he felt like a was about to throw up his pumpkin juice.

Tonight? But it couldn't be tonight. Tonight was the full moon, at 8 o'clock he would have to be at the shrieking shack, waiting for it to get dark and for that fatal beam of moonlight to touch his skin.

But wait.

_I know_

That's what she had said on their last meeting. But she couldn't know, not if she wanted to see him tonight. Why would she want to see him tonight if she knew he was going to turn into a monster?

Unless she was a complete masochistic freak. But no, not even Branwen would be that stupid.

Which meant that she didn't know.

Remus felt his full moon anger swelling up inside him and he didn't try to control it. If he was standing opposite himself he would have seen his eyes turn yellow and the pupils turn into slits. He clenched his fists, digging the nails into his palms until he drew blood.

He _would_ go tonight. He would already be waiting for her when she came at 8 o'clock, a brooding shadow at the back of the room. She would lock the door to make sure he couldn't escape and then she would come for him. But he would have a surprise for her. He would let her get him up against a wall, he would pretend to be too weak to push her off and then, just when she thought she had him, he would push her off. He would keep on pushing her until she tripped backwards and fell on to the cold, hard floor. He wouldn't hurt her, not just then. They would wait together in that room, for a moon beam to come through one of the windows and to touch his skin. Once the transformation was complete, he would rip her from limb to limb and smear her blood along the walls. It was inevitable that he would break out of the room but Remus didn't care. He could kill everyone in the school, he was going to die anyway. Nothing mattered to him anymore.

She wanted to know his secret? He would show her.

If Remus had been in a reasonable mood, i.e. not feeling like a mad werewolf, he would never have even started along the destructive path his mind was taking him. But the reasonable Remus had taken too much to bear over the last month and was only too glad to let go completely and give up to the crazy Remus.

Even if it meant his own undoing.

to indicate the passing of time

Sirius didn't show up all day. Remus began to suspect that he was probably hiding in the shrieking shack but his mind was too taken up with thoughts of Branwen and that night to give it too much thought.

Lily and Peter were just as worried about him as they were before and plied him with thousands of questions but this time he was able to put them off with the excuse that it was a full moon.

The lessons dragged on and Remus dreamed through most of them. His headache had returned as a dull throbbing behind his ears and his whole body felt exhausted. Teachers became exasperated with him when he didn't know the answers to the simplest of questions and by the time the end of the day came, Remus just wanted to curl up and never have to wake up again.

to indicate the passing of time

Remus huddled behind the piles of chairs and desks at the front of room 30, where the teacher would normally have stood if a lesson had been in progress. There wasn't a lesson in progress as it was and it didn't look as if a lesson had been taken in here for a very long time. The house elves had been neglecting it; there was a thin layer of dust over the stacked tables and chairs and it smelled faintly of whisky. As Remus waited, he wondered if a teacher had used this room as a secret place to drink.

Time stretched on and Remus shivered in the cold room. It was now well into November and it was getting much colder. He blew on his hands to try and warm the numb fingers and he glanced at his watch. Twenty to eight.

Outside it was dark and Remus knew that somewhere in the cold, black sky, there would be a full moon. Although he wasn't in contact with any sort of moonlight, Remus could feel his body preparing for the changes that would soon take place. The hairs all over his body became thicker and stronger and as he waited, he slowly sprouted a short, grey beard. His eyes under his thick grey eyebrows turned completely yellow, their pupils becoming black slits. Suddenly, at five to eight, his nails fell out and long, curling claws grew in their place.

At 8 o'clock, Branwen sidled through the door. Remus felt the hairs all along his spine stand on end and he had to prevent himself and running towards the crack of moonlight that made it's way through the small gap created by Branwen's entrance.

Remus watched as Branwen paced the floor of the room, not bothering to light any candles this time. He watched as she sat down on different bits of random furniture and then stood up again, pick her nose and eat it, fart in the way you do when you think no one's watching, and hum tunelessly.

At a half past eight he stood up.

"Hello Branwen"

She jumped, her face a picture of shock and surprise. It must have been the gloom because she didn't notice his beard or slightly elongated ears.

"I thought you weren't going to show up."

"Well here I am."

They stood, facing each other across the room.

"Came back for more did you?" Branwen asked with a smirk.

Remus began to close the distance between them.

"You don't know my secret." He stated.

"No" she laughed openly, "But it must be a pretty big secret if you're scared enough to come back a second time."

Remus didn't say anything and she carried on, "Unless you liked it. You probably did as well, you masochistic bastard. I heard what you did to Black. You could have done that to me if you'd really wanted to."

Remus felt jolted at the sound of Sirius' name and a part of him that was still sane woke up and began trying to fight it's way through the mess of confusion and emotion that it was tangled in. Stop! It was saying, Stop! But Remus just shook his head and ploughed on.

"Can we just get this over with"

"Ooh, eager aren't we," crowed Branwen, "Well maybe this time I'll find out your secret"

She took a step towards him. Remus felt a shiver of revulsion go through him but nonetheless took another step towards her.

"Maybe I'll tell you."

She closed the distance between them and pressed herself against him. Despite himself, Remus stumbled backwards, surprised at her force. She began pushing him towards a wall, the wall to his left and once they were there she pushed her mouth against his and shoved her tongue in.

It was disgusting. Images of the first time were flashing through Remus' mind and other images too, images of James lying on the ground, of Sirius on the floor of the showers, his own image on the pages of Sirius' sketchpad, and the kiss from Sirius, all ran flickering through his head. He wanted to push Branwen off him, to beat her to a pulp on the floor of the classroom. He tried to control himself but couldn't help giving her a small push off him.

"What's the matter honey? Don't you like it?" she sneered

"You hurt James" he panted

"Oh, remembered that little episode have we?" she laughed, "Well, I have to say he was easy, but not as easy as you eh?" her laugh was raucous and loud in the small room. Remus was beginning to re-evaluate his plan, the sensible Remus was getting through.

"Don't talk about him like that." He growled

"Aw, doesn't Remy like me calling his friends easy? What about your little man-slut friend, Sirius Black? I heard he's _real_ easy"

"Don't say his name." Remus' voice was low and angry, he was finding it hard to control the wolf inside him.

"What?"

"I said, don't say his name."

"What? Sirius Black? Dirty little Sirius Black who sleeps with anything that moves? Do you know, I think my good friend Lola French was right, you do have a thing for each other. Maybe you want to be the one that Black is fucking? Hahahahahahahahaha!" she laughed in his face.

"SHUT UP!" he yelled.

She pushed his arms up against the walls and grinned.

"You're hot when you're angry"

Remus couldn't control himself any longer. He was going to kill her right now. He could feel the blood pumping hard in his veins, the hairs prickling all over his body, all his muscles tensed. Just as he was about to let out an animal scream, the door was opened.

A figure was framed in the moonlight flooding into through the doorway.

"Remus?" came a worried and confused voice.

As soon as the moonlight entered the room, the wolf went mad. Remus flung Branwen off him and she flew through the air, landing with a thud on the ground. She was out cold.

"Remus, what are you doing...?"

The voice registered but there was no way Remus could respond. Great spasms of pain were wracking his entire frame and he knew that he was going to transform. One word was going through his mind.

Sirius.

It was Sirius who was standing in the doorway. His plan was shattering inside his skull and any shred of sane thought was lost in the rushing noise that was engulfing his brain. All he knew was that if he didn't get out of the school, he was going to hurt Sirius. He couldn't do that.

He turned, and stumbled blindly towards the door, pushing past Sirius. He turned left and ran down the corridor until he reached the top of the stairs. There he gripped the hand rail and continued trying to run, stumbling down the stairs two at a time.

The hairs all over his body were growing longer and thicker, covering his neck and shoulders and pushing the silky tawny strands from his head, leaving them like traces of gold draped on the slabs and stairs. His shoulders were hunching and the shoulder blades were growing larger, breaking through his shirt. His skin was stretching and thickening to accommodate his larger bone structure. As he ran along the second floor corridor, his teeth fell out one by one, clattering on the stone floor, and new, longer, sharper ones took their place. The bones in his hands and arms were breaking and changing shape, his muscles were lengthening and the claws were growing longer. His shirt was in ribbons underneath his robes. He could no longer hold the hand rail as he ran desperately down the second flight of stairs and his nose and face elongated. He winced mentally at the sound of his own jawbone snapping and tried to howl in pain. All that came out was a choked human scream that was soon cut off by his changing tongue and his moving voice box. His spine was lengthening and his ears were growing. Tears of pain spurted from his eyes until the tear ducts were shut off. A tail sprouted through the fabric of his pants and he stumbled, howling in pain. Doggedly, he continued along the first floor. His eyes were already colour-blind and as he approached the last flight of stairs, his sensitive wolf ears picked up the sound of someone following him.

Run faster, he thought and he tried to speed up.

On the last flight of stairs, the bones in his legs snapped and broke, the muscles growing and the joints moving and reshaping. His trousers a tore and he left his shoes behind as his feet became slimmer and the toes disappeared. He tumbled down the hard stone steps like a broken doll the sound of his bones hitting each stone step echoing in his sensitive wolf's ears. At the bottom, he lay in a heap, his school robe pooled around him in a dark mass and the school-boy socks tangled around his back paws.

The transformation was complete.

"Remus?"

Someone came panting up beside him.

_Food!_ Thought the wolf, _Run!_ Thought Remus.

The wolf got to it's feet, and ignoring it's instincts to rip, tear, kill and maim, it ran towards the great doors, trying to shake the remnants of garments still trying to cling to it's body. It pushed at the heavy oak, until the doors opened enough to let through, and then sped into the night.

Behind him, the someone followed, this time in the shape of a dog.

T.B.C

(SiriusGirl23-you owe me biscuits! )


	14. love like you'll never get hurt

**wow, finally chapter 14 is here. i'm sorry it took so long but i've been really busy will sshool work and stuff. also i had a bit of writers block and lots of other things were going on. anyway, it's here now, so enjoy and please review.**

**thanks to all the reviewers for my last chapters-they were all really appreciated.**

**(oh and i still can't get it to let me put in little lines or dashes or anything to let me indicate the passing of time, so i've just written it. -if anyone knows how to let the document maneger thingy let you use dashes or whatever, please tell me, thanks)**

Remus ran.

He ran as fast as his agile limbs would take him. The sky above the castle and grounds was a clear, indigo blue, speckled with the white light of stars billions of light-years away. The moon hung like a pendant at the breast of the sky and it's pearly radiance bathed the grounds in moonshine, sending confusing shadows across the lawns and reflecting off the opaque surface of the lake. Ominous storm clouds hovered like fat black flies on the horizon, a stiff wind blew through the trees of the forbidden forest, sending dead leaves cartwheeling through the air.

Remus didn't notice any of it, he just ran. And behind him, Padfoot followed.

Remus ran directly towards the forbidden forest, ignoring Hagrid's cabin, the empty pumpkin patch, and the glassy lake. His paws made no noise as they hit the grass and after he had entered the forest, the branches sprung back as though he had never been there.

The two runners weren't interrupted in their running through the forest; the centaurs, giant spiders, thestrals and all manner of other wildlife knew better than to disturb a werewolf on a mission.

The forest was thick, and it's leafless branches obscured and diluted what little moonshine there was so that none of it reached the ground. There was no path but the werewolf seemed to know it's way and it weaved through the trunks of trees as though it had been born there.

Padfoot could do nothing but follow and he thanked merlin that he had chosen a dog as an animagus instead of a stag or a rat. At least he had night vision and could keep up with his quarry.

The pair ran through the forest diagonally, missing out it's heart, for hours without pause or respite. Close to midnight, they emerged from the forest onto dry, rocky earth. Ahead, mountains loomed out of the darkness, their tips capped in snow standing out in brilliant white against the clouds hovering behind them. The wind had got stronger and it brought with it a chill of ice. Padfoot felt a shiver run through him and felt a deep foreboding. To their left, a small town twinkled with lights and decorations. A flashing Father Christmas, visible from this distance, waved at them happily as they sped onwards towards the mountains.

The werewolf had long ago forgotten why it was running, all it knew was that there had been a boy. A boy who he loved and hated, who confused him and made everything clear at the same time, who was dangerous and safe, beautiful and harsh, who made him want to scream and laugh, a boy who he had known for ever and had yet to know. A boy who he must not hurt, who he must stay away from at all costs.

But the boy was following him, only now it was a dog. Something had happened last time the werewolf had met the dog. Something bad for the boy. He had to get away from it. Faster! Screamed a voice inside it's head, Faster, further, quicker!

The confused werewolf put on a burst of speed and had soon lengthened the distance between itself and the dog. The dog tried desperately to keep up, forcing it's tired limbs to keep on going. But the distance only grew longer until the dog tripped over it's own paws and the werewolf was lost from it's sight.

Although neither canine knew it, they were running along the edge of a disused quarry. The ground fell away sharply to their left, and the coarse grass was replaced by scree and large boulders. Occasionally, there would be a sheep's skull or the remains of a fire, lit long ago by a wandering tramp.

Remus ran haphazardly towards the mountains, his tongue hanging out. The thirst for blood was driving him crazy. He had been running non-stop for almost four hours and his werewolf nature rebelled at the pointlessness of running away from a creature smaller and inferior to it. We could take on the dog, it thought, we don't need to run. We could drink the dog's blood and grow stronger, and then go to the town and drink the people's blood. We could fill the streets with blood, spilling, gushing.

We are thirsty...

Remus shook his large, shaggy head and continued running. The dog was still behind him, not near, but still there, and the werewolf wouldn't stop running until the dog was gone.

to indicate the passing of time

Three hours later, the wolf was still running although at a slower pace then when it started. It was running uphill and was nearing the top of the mountain. Below it, the dog was still following, but it was limping and if the wolf had stopped it would still have taken it around half an hour to catch up. But the wolf didn't stop. It continued.

to indicate the passing of time

The rusty colour of dried blood coated his muzzle and the werewolf could still taste blood on it's tongue. It was bitterly cold, the werewolf's breath appearing in puffs in front of it's face and frost coating the scrubby mountainside and a few miles back, the wolf had had to give in to it's urges and had slaughtered six sheep. It hadn't been interested in the flesh of the animals, leaving it for the scavengers to eat after he had moved on. Instead, he sucked their blood, his nose buried in the warm coat of the sheep, drinking each life away. It warmed him and he had been able to move on, but the process of slaughtering had taken maybe half an hour and given the dog a chance to make up the distance between them.

Ahead of the werewolf, a path curved around the side of the mountain. He hadn't been consciously following it, but now that it registered, the werewolf used it. It was easier than going up the almost vertical slope and it provided relief from the sharp rocks and bits of broken glass that were constantly scratching the wolf's paws as it climbed up the mountain side.

As the werewolf and dog climbed, one the pursuer the other the pursued, they didn't notice the heavy storm clouds that they were now directly beneath. Their dark bulk stood out against the steadily lightening sky. Dawn was still a few hours away but for the werewolf it barely registered. He _had _to get away from the dog. He pressed forwards, his head into the icy wind that blew over the mountain. Behind him, the dog did the same.

Soon, they were both over the brow of the mountain. The wind was blowing stronger on the other side, and the dew beginning to form on the ground immediately turned to frost that cracked beneath their paws. The band of ever increasing light on the horizon was now worrying the wolf. Just the sight of the light was enough to make it feel weaker. Inside it, Remus was waking up as though from a sleep.

Huh? Where am I? Thought the Remus, What's happening?

As it slowly registered with Remus what was happening and where he was, it didn't occur to him that he could stop running. He just followed the reasoning of the night before and continued. It was still quite dark and the sun wouldn't appear for another two hours.

Meanwhile, above him, a few flakes of snow began to fall. They fluttered down slowly and melted before they reached the ground. They hit the earth silently and became ice or frost.

to indicate the passing of time

Two and a half hours later, the snow was falling thick and fast, obscuring the view of the ground and the winter sun's weak rays. Remus was still a werewolf but his coat was thinner and he was finding it harder to run. His human psyche was fully awake now and it was trying to reason with the immovable and stubborn wolf. As his running became slower and his breathing more laboured, the dog was catching up. The gap between them was closing steadily.

Remus' mind was whirling, he couldn't remember any of the night before. Vague feelings of warmth and thirst told him that he had killed something and the taste of blood on his teeth told him he was right. He couldn't control the shivers that wracked his frame and his limbs felt exhausted. He was going down hill now and at every step he had to brace his joints to stop himself from pitching forwards into the swirling whiteness. He turned another bend in the path and for some unknown reason his body chose that moment to respond to the weak sunlight that was making its way through the snow to the ground.

Bones snapped, muscles shortened, hair disappeared, teeth fell out, claws retracted, nails grew, limbs and extremities changed shape, toes grew and suddenly, with a huge juddering of his whole body, Remus was transformed.

The only problem was, he couldn't stop running. Gravity and the downwards slope were too much for his exhausted human limbs to cope with and although he tried weakly to dig his heels into the powdery snow, he just couldn't stop. Finally, after a few metres, his knees gave out and he collapsed to the ground. Unluckily for him, the ground was at an almost 60degree angle and as soon as he had collapsed, he began to slide and roll down the incline, his naked body hitting partially hidden rocks and bits of trees. The snow stuck in his hair and ears, and particularly sensitive bits of his anatomy began to scream at their indecent exposure to the elements. He thought he had finally come to a stop when he hit a large boulder side-on, causing his skin to tear on that side. He opened his eyes and saw the blood mixing with the snow on the ground. Putting a hand behind himself, he tried to sit up, but his hand only pushed away the snow that had been supporting him and he continued his journey head first. He was still conscious when his face hit another rock and his nose erupted in pain. He couldn't tell if it was melting snow or blood trickling across his lips and he didn't bother to find out, surrendering himself totally to his downward dissent.

He couldn't have been tumbling down the snowy mountainside for more than a couple of minutes before he came to rest, but to Remus it felt like hours. He felt himself slowing down and a glimmer of hope ignited somewhere in his chest-maybe he would survive this fall into hell after all. As he slid slowly downwards, he felt the back of his knee hit something vertical. Instinctively, he wrapped his leg around it. His body continued going but once he was lying with his head towards the bottom of the mountain, and all the strain was on his left knee, he stopped completely.

Remus was still conscious and he wished he wasn't. The pain in his body was too much to bear and the coldness of the snow was freezing him to the bones. He didn't know how long he lay there for, but at some point he thought he heard someone calling his name. He opened his eyes, or rather his left one, as the right one had swelled shut, but closed it again quickly after a snowflake fell into it. He was probably imagining things-after all, it couldn't be Sirius; Sirius was probably still on the path, wondering where Remus was. Nonetheless, Remus decided that he might as well make some noise to attract whoever was looking for him to the right place and to keep himself from falling asleep in the icy whiteness. Screaming or shouting was out of the question, his throat was sore from howling the night before, he wouldn't be able to keep it up. Suddenly, the words of an old lullaby came into his head, as though someone had planted them there. Quietly at first and then louder, he began to sing.

When I was a young man my daddy told me

A lesson he learned, was a long time ago

If you want to have someone to hold onto

You're gonna have to learn to let go

_You got to sing sometimes like you don't need the money_

_Love sometimes like you'll never get hurt_

_You got to dance dance dance like nobody's watchin' _

_It's gotta come from the heart if you want it to work_

Now here is the one thing that I keep forgetting

When everything is falling apart

In life as in love what I need to remember

There's such a thing as trying to hard

_You got to sing sometimes like you don't need the money_

_Love sometimes like you'll never get hurt-- _

Remus felt warm hands on his arms, and he felt himself being slowly lifted into someone's lap. The pressure was taken off his knee, he blinked the snow off his eyelashes and his one working eye gazed up into twin pools of brown.

"I thought you were never going to get here" He croaked before he surrendered completely to the impending blackness.

to indicate the passing of time

Remus woke up slowly to the sound of rushing wind and a quiet dripping. He was lying down on a cold, hard surface and he realised that he was no longer outside on the mountain. Occasionally he would feel the wind across his face and he would shiver slightly beneath the material that was covering him. He was cold but not as cold as he had been before, and the goosebumps that covered his skin could be easily ignored. He opened his eyes carefully before realising that his right eye was completely healed. He put a hand down and levered himself up. He was inside a small cave filled with white light. Outside, it had stopped snowing but the fierce wind sent occasional flurries of snow up from the ground where it had settled. Leading away from the cave was a path that looked like it had been made by something being dragged along and at the entrance to the cave was a pile of dead wood. Remus noticed that the dripping noise was coming from a melting icicle at the lip of the entrance.

Remus shivered again as another gust of wind entered the cave; apart from the cloak-Sirius' cloak-that was wrapped around him, all he had on was a pair of socks and some pants. Sirius' socks, Sirius' pants. Despite himself, Remus couldn't help picking up the edge of the cloak to see what type he was wearing. They were a blue and red tartan pair with a slight rip at the hem and a button missing at the front. Remus thought he recognised them as a pair that used to be James' that had been lent to Sirius one holiday and had never been returned. At the same time he saw his knee. It was swelled to about the size of a grapefruit and was an assortment of colours-reds, blues, purples. Hell, there was even some green in there. Now that he had noticed it, he began to feel it. It was a dull ache that stretched through his entire leg. He shifted it experimentally and had to bite his tongue to stop himself from crying out in pain as a shock went through him. Maybe it was best just to leave that leg alone.

At that moment he thought he heard a scraping noise. It wasn't near but his ears picked up the distant crunch and scrape of someone walking and dragging something at the same time. Immediately, he dropped the cloak back to it's original position and waited, his breath held, listening intently. A few moments later, Sirius appeared around the edge of the cave, dragging a large branch of dead pine. His face was serious and intent as he came in and chucked the branch onto the pile he'd already gathered. He looked up and his face immediately creased into a warm smile.

"You're awake!" he said "Thank Merlin-I thought I was going to have to carry you all the way back to Hogwarts!"

His face was flushed red by the cold wind but he was wearing a floppy woollen hat and gloves and he was wearing two jumpers, a pair of thick corduroys and heavy black boots.

When Remus only gave a weak smile in response, Sirius turned away to look at the pile of wood.

"I'm going to make a fire. I hope you're not too cold-I tried to cover you up a bit but I suppose I could have given you one of my jumpers or something." His forehead creased in concern.

"Thanks for the boxers" Remus managed.

Sirius grinned to hear his friend speaking again and began to break up the piece of pine.

"I thought you should be covered up" he grinned

Remus blushed a deep red at the thought of Sirius taking off his pants and touching Remus with his large, slightly rough hands. He was glad that Sirius was facing away from him and couldn't see his face.

"Don't worry about me, I had two pairs on" Sirius said, still not looking up from the wood.

"Someone might almost think that you had prepared for a night time race over snowy mountains." Remus said

Sirius turned around from the pile of wood. "After we had our...fight, on...Monday, I pulled on all the clothes I could find and went straight to the shrieking shack."

"So that's where you were. Lily was worried."

There was an awkward pause.

"Do you need another jumper? You look a bit chilly"

"Yes please, I'm freezing."

"Sorry" said Sirius sheepishly as he began to pull his top jumper off. It tugged at the tops underneath, revealing his flat stomach in the cold light that came reflected off the snow outside. Remus knew that he should look away but he was too tired for such trivial niceties and he stared openly at Sirius' abs. A line of dark, downy hair, still slightly fluffy, ran down from his belly button, disappearing into the top of his trousers. His stomach was toned and flat; despite his aversion to the only wizard sport, Quidditch, Sirius enjoyed running and would run around the school grounds on weekend mornings whilst everyone else was enjoying breakfast.

Sirius handed Remus his jumper, tugging down his other tops absentmindedly, apparently not noticing Remus' stare. He smiled and turned back to the wood pile, breaking up the smaller branches and leaving the logs to one side. He then pulled the smallest twigs off the branches and pulled some more out of his pocket.

"Kindling" he said to Remus.

"Mmm" mumbled Remus, struggling to pull the jumper over his head. It was warm and soft and smelt overwhelmingly of Sirius. Remus inhaled deeply and then pulled it down gently over his tired and aching body. He was surprised by how baggy it felt on him. He had always been slightly smaller than Sirius, slightly thinner, but Sirius' clothes had always fit him well enough. They had always been slightly too large for him but now Sirius' jumper was positively falling off him. So for that matter were the boxers. He reached a hand down surreptitiously and yanked them up from where they were hanging off his hips.

Sirius worked quickly. He built up a small pile of kindling balanced on two logs. Under the gap between them and the cave floor, he put some sheep's wool that had been dried by his body heat. He then lit the sheep's wool using his wand. The kindling soon caught fire as well and Sirius began building a pyramid of larger sticks and twigs around it. The sticks got larger and larger until he was placing logs onto the fast burning fire.

He then moved back and sat next to Remus who was sitting with his one good knee pulled up to his chin, staring pensively into the flames.

"What time is it?" asked Sirius after a few minutes of companionable silence.

"Dunno, my watch must've broken when I transformed."

"Ah well, we'll just have to live in ignorance then. By the look of it outside I'd say it's way past 12."

"There's probably a spell you can do to find out."

"Probably. But I can't be bothered."

"It's definitely past lunch."

"Mmmm. And tea-time. I could murder a hot pie"

"Or a jacket potato with melted cheese and baked beans."

"Or hot vanilla custard with apple sponge"

"Or fresh pancakes with maple syrup and banana slices."

"Ooh, stop it, you're making me hungry."

"When was the last time you ate?"

"I took some food with me to the shack. Some chocolate, pasties, some rolls."

"You got any left?" Remus looked up eagerly from the fire.

"I've got half a bar of chocolate left."

Remus' face fell. "We'd better save it 'till later when we're even hungrier."

"Yeah..." said Sirius glumly.

Remus glanced at Sirius who was gazing into the flames, a strand of long dark hair falling into his face. It felt weird to be sitting here with Sirius, having the first normal conversation they'd had in weeks.

"I could use my wand to summon something from that town we passed last night."

"We passed a town last night?"

"Yeah, it was really pretty, just before we reached the mountains. All lit up in the dark. I could summon some food or something."

"It's probably a muggle town. We can't risk it. What would they think if they saw a loaf of bread floating through the air?"

"I could transform and go and fetch something."

Remus looked over at Sirius and found him looking straight back. "How long did it take us to cross the mountains last night?" he asked, quickly averting his eyes, embarrassed at the brief eye contact.

"Don't know. Hours? I suppose it's a bit far away. It'll be dark soon and it looks like it's going to snow again."

"That doesn't sound like the Sirius I know" smiled Remus, "What about staying out all night, stealing things from cupboards and the devil may care attitude?"

"Well," said Sirius defensively, "I'm tired. And unless you've forgotten, I stayed out all night last night."

"Oh yeah. Sorry. I mean, you didn't have to." Remus felt his face flushing. "I would've been fine. Er but, um, yeah, sorry."

Ignoring Remus' apologies, Sirius went straight to the heart of the matter. "What d'you mean I didn't have to? You were IN SCHOOL on a full moon. I shouldn't even have to tell you what that means. And then, when I found you, disappeared into the night. I didn't know if you'd ever come back! I _had_ to follow you."

There was a short, embarrassed silence in which Sirius' face coloured considerably and Remus tried to think of something to say.

"Thanks."

"No problem."

A log collapsed into the fire, sending sparks dancing through the cold air. Outside it was getting dark and thick clouds obscured the sky. The icicle had refrozen and had stopped dripping, leaving a small puddle of ice on the cave floor. Both boys edged closer to the fire and each other, Remus trying not to wince as he inched his knee slightly to the left. They started talking at the same time.

"What were you--"

"Why did you--"

"You first,"

"No you,"

They grinned sheepishly at each other and Remus continued, "Why did you come back into school to look for me? I mean, it would have been the last place I'd have looked if I had been you."

"Well, when you didn't come to the shrieking shack at dusk, I began to get worried. You never have supper on a full moon so I was a bit surprised that you hadn't come to the shack directly after lessons. After another hour or something, I was fairly sure that I wasn't about to sprout fangs and turn into a creature of the night and so I decided to go back to Hogwarts and watch the entrance to see if you'd appear. When you didn't-and it was really dark by this time-I decided that you'd probably run out to the forbidden forest and that I'd never find you, so I went back up to the school. I noticed that there was a light on in one of the classrooms on the third floor- I assumed that it would just be one of the teachers, preparing a lesson for tomorrow, but I wasn't tired at all and I was a bit curious so I changed my route and went along the third floor. Merlin, I can't tell you how surprised I was to hear your voice behind that door."

"I can imagine" said Remus, his voice not quite as steady as it might have been, sensing the question that was about to come.

"Remus, if you don't mind me asking, what were you doing in that room with Dunn?"

Remus felt as though he had just stuck his face in the flames, he could feel it glowing red. His mind went blank "I..I..I..erm."

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." Sirius added quickly, looking away. A silence ensued, Remus was fighting an internal battle about whether he should tell Sirius or not, when Sirius spoke.

"I know that, over the last couple of weeks, I have been a bit-ok maybe a lot-of a prick. And I know that we haven't talked much since that fight we had outside the hospital wing, but just for a moment, see last night from my point of view. I don't know what's going on inside your head, but when I opened the door of that room last night I didn't know what was happening. The last time that you, I and Dunn were all in that near a proximity to each other, she had just knocked James unconscious with a bludger and was in the process of beating me to a pulp while you stood and watched and then ran away. To open that door and find you with her...I just don't know what I'm supposed to be thinking Remus. What's going on between you and her because, if you don't tell me, I will find out."

Sirius had worked himself up over the course of his rather confusing speech (hey, it made sense to him) and Remus had been feeling more and more trapped. That familiar need to run tugged at his chest, and his legs jerked slightly underneath Sirius' cloak, sending spasms of pain shooting up from his left knee. He gasped and then looked at Sirius whose intense brown eyes seemed to be burning in his head. Remus made a decision. His heart pounded in his chest and his mouth went immediately dry. After putting it off for so long, Remus couldn't believe that the time had finally come. It seemed as though the world was holding it's breath for him.

"Sirius" he said finally, clearing his throat, "There's something I need to tell you. I should have told you ages ago, I've been meaning to, I was going to and then all this shit started happening and.."

"whoah, slow down. Start from the beginning."

"It feels like it started years ago, but it was only in October."

to indicate the passing of time

"Fuck!" yelled Sirius, so loudly that it echoed around the cave walls and bounced back at them –fuckfuckfuckfuck.

"She what? I can't believe she, I can't believe you, fuck, bollocks, shit. I'm going to fucking kill her when I see her next, I'm going to fucking I'm going to..."

Remus watched as Sirius exploded, his fists waving, his face turning red in the light of the fire. Outside, the moon had appeared and Remus watched the clouds as they scudded across the sky. It felt as though a great weight had been lifted off his chest. He inhaled deeply and smiled tentatively at the moon. Sirius stopped his tirade of abuse and looked oddly at Remus.

"What're you smiling about?"

Remus started guiltily but continued smiling "It feels so great to have told someone." He said.

Sirius grinned "You idiot, I just don't know why you didn't tell me sooner, instead of keeping it to yourself"

"We weren't exactly talking" Remus reminded him and Sirius' face clouded.

"God, I'm such a bastard" he muttered "All I was thinking about was myself when all the time you, you.."

"Forget it"

"How can I when I know you won't?!" Sirius' eyes blazed "I will kill her when we get back to school"

"No!" Remus' face grew alarmed, "Don't, then everyone will know what happened."

"No they won't, I'll say I'm doing it for James. I can't believe I haven't done it sooner. I was too scared, too much of a wimp to take her on. I make myself sick!"

"Stop it!" yelled Remus suddenly "This isn't about you! This is about me. If I decide to do anything about it, then I will, but when I'm ready."

"You're right. I'm sorry" said Sirius quietly. He looked down at his knees and then back into Remus' eyes. "Will you forgive me?"

Remus couldn't look away. Sirius' eyes were a dark brown and seemed to be depthless. Remus suddenly realised how close they were. Their thighs were almost pressing and Remus remembered last Halloween when he had passed up getting into Sirius' bed. What would have happened if he had? Would they even be here now? A gust of wind came into the cave, blowing ashes from the fire across the two boys.

"I forgive you" whispered Remus. He could feel Sirius' breath ghosting over his face and was having trouble swallowing. Sirius' features were sharp in the flickering fire light and he looked both powerful and fragile and the shadows across his cheek bones lengthened and shortened.

"You have some ash in your hair" said Remus finally. He reached his hand up to brush the piece of ash from the other boy's black locks but Sirius had already tipped his head forwards and was shaking it from side to side like a dog to dislodge the ash. It was such a typically Sirius thing to do that Remus might have laughed if his heart hadn't been beating in his throat. Sirius stopped shaking his head suddenly and lifted it so that the strands flicked into Remus' face. Their eyes connected and Remus realised with a painful thud of his heart that they were much closer now than they had been before. Their noses were almost touching. Time seemed to stand still for the boys, each only aware of the other's presence. Sirius' head moved forwards slightly jerkily at the same time as Remus' did. Their noses were pressed lightly against each others, their breath mingling in the small distance between their lips. Neither took their eyes off the other, but later neither could say who kissed the other first. All they knew was that their lips touched and for those few seconds, nothing seemed to matter. It was complete bliss. There was no pushing, no tongues, no forcefulness of any kind. Just a sweet, equal pressure that filled both boys with a wonderful sense of freedom and release. They broke away slowly, as though unwilling to give the contact up.

"Sirius-"

"Shhh...it's ok"

Sirius held Remus in his arms, as for the first time in a long time, Remus cried.

to indicate the passing of time

The fire had burnt down to embers and their soft glow lit the cave with a light the colour of rust or blood. Sirius and Remus lay together under the cloak, sharing space and body heat. They had eaten their only source of food long ago and the taste of sweet kisses and chocolate lingered on their lips. Although their breathing was steady and slow, they weren't asleep and each was staring at the ceiling, lost in their own thoughts.

"Remus..."

"Mmmm..."

"What's it like becoming a werewolf?"

Remus contemplated the question, his chest rising and falling in time with Sirius'.

"You can't really describe it" he said at last, "it's the most painful and wonderful experience."

Sirius didn't interrupt but Remus could sense his query. "I mean, all the bones in your body break, your muscles change shape and your teeth and nails fall out. You grow fangs and hair all over your body. It hurts like nothing else in this world.

But at the same time, it's like a drug. You feel powerful, in control, your instincts and senses are so sharp and intense. Nothing can harm you but you can harm anything you want to. And at the end of the transformation, when you're just lying there on the ground with it all pumping through you...it's almost orgasmic."

"wow..." breathed Sirius after a while.

"Mmmm, but afterwards, when you change back, it's horrible. You feel weak, lethargic, ill and confused. It's horrible. But the worst thing is, is that every month I half look forward to the full moon. In a weird, perverse way; It's my drugs. Just that first rush of power, it's almost worth all the pain, the headaches, the nausea."

"I can't imagine..." said Sirius

"You don't need to."

After a while, the embers went out, their heat still emanating through the cave, and the moon rose above the clouds. A few flakes of snow fell feebly onto the frozen white mountainside and an owl flew across the sky, hooting melanchlolily. The two boys entwined in each others arms slept peacefully, the world around them forgotten completely as their dreams were taken up with each other.

A flash of red showed at the entrance as a large bird settled there. It's plumage was gold and red and it's wingspan would have filled the whole entrance. Fawkes peered into the darkness, cocked his head to one side and then turned and flew back into the night. Meanwhile, the two boys slept peacefully on, blissfully unaware.

**please don't forget to review!**


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